It’s a bit odd seeing Burns just standing there all alone with no Smithers at his side.
We wrap-up our look at Wave 3 of Super7’s Ultimates! line of action figures based on The Simpsons today with the main villain of the series: Charles Montgomery Burns. Mr. Burns has been around since the beginning and, like Ralph, is a worthy inclusion in the line at this stage and it’s only odd that he’s arriving before the likes of Marge and Lisa. Burns is a Springfield regular as owner of the town’s nuclear power plant and boss to Homer Simpson. He starts off as just a mostly horrible boss type, but soon morphs into an almost cartoonishly evil character. He’s also a joke machine for old world references owing to the fact that he’s 109 years old. He’s a horrible man, but a powerful one, and all his power rests with his bank account. Take that away and he’s a pathetically weak old man who couldn’t even wrestle a lollipop from a baby.
He’s taller than a child, but not as tall as the show’s more classically trained super villain.
Burns has the usual Ultimates! packaging with slipcover which is soon to be the old style as you’ll see when we get to Wave 4. One thing I have not mentioned yet with this third wave is how terrible the plastic bubble that holds the figures in place has been. I don’t know what happened, but this is usually something Super7 does well and I should sing the praises of it more since they tend to package their figures in plastic bubbles with few tie-downs. I enjoy buying NECA figures, but I hate unboxing them because of those damn things. With this wave, some of the figures have been a real bastard to get out. It’s too tight, especially around the extra heads. I had to cut both Ralph and Burns’ heads out of the thing because I could not get them out. It sucks because I like to keep these boxes and store the accessories in them so I’d rather not mangle them, but oh well.
Look! He’s crowning!
Burns stands at approximately 6.75″ to the top of his head. He is famously of poor posture and if he was capable of standing fully upright he’d be a little taller. He’s sporting a dark green business suit with white undershirt and black tie. Right away, we have a problem. Modern Simpsons reference art places Burns in a green suit, but it’s very much a blue green while this figure has more of a forest green to his suit. Much of the classic era of the show would put Burns in a blue suit and I’m not sure how Super7 settled on this particular shade of green. The solicitation images have a more blue-green tone to the suit so I think this is just a case of the factory not producing the proper color. Did Super7 approve it? Probably.
At least they got the posture right.
“You there! How dare you make me look bad with that painted, yellow, head of yours!”
Continuing with the trend of the third wave, Burns does not feature much paint. He’s matte, but the head isn’t painted yellow like the figures that came before it. The body is pretty much all green and the white and black parts are painted over. The left side of my figure’s shirt is painted horribly with a ton of green showing through. The exposed portions of his white socks are also painted, but the ankle hinges are cast in a pale white. The paint will flake off when moving them, but that comes with the territory of painted hinges. What stinks is there’s a lot of transfer from the green plastic to these hinges and the paint that flakes off around the hinge will expose green plastic as well. For a $55 figure with what should be a simple paint application it doesn’t look great.
Burns has a right to be pissed given the shoddy nature of this paint job.
Aside from that, the overall sculpt is acceptable. His shoes have a funny shape to them, but it’s not necessarily wrong, just more noticeable in 3D. The portrait looks good which features the standard Burns look with exaggerated overbite, though I would have preferred a hint of an evil smile. The spots near his left temple are sculpted on, but not outlined so they look a bit weird. The nose appears to be a separate piece that had to be glued on which created an unnatural seam line. It’s not awful, but a little surprising that it was deemed necessary. The figure looks okay, but plain and the lack of paint on his head gives off a cheap appearance. He almost more resembles his character model from a PlayStation 2 era Simpsons game because of this lack of detail.
I guess it’s good he comes with this accessory since I do feel like he owes me money. Maybe not a trillion, but something.
The articulation on Mr. Burns is pretty limited and in some ways downright poor. He has good range at the neck, but that’s pretty much it. The shoulders are pretty standard and the elbows lack the ability to hit a 90 degree bend. This is more problematic with Burns as his default posture in the show features his elbows bent at 90 degrees and hands hanging like a T-Rex or something. He can’t quite do this, but does get probably close enough for most. His waist is ball jointed which is situated deep inside the torso because of his long coat. It’s basically just a pivot point as the coat is hard plastic. He can’t kick forward really at all, but it’s actually not because of the coat, the joint is just terrible as I pulled him apart to check it out. Knee range is terrible while the ankle hinges work fine. He has an ankle rocker, but it too is pretty limited.
Bobo is along for the ride, but should look way grosser.
There’s a lot of character packed into this evil laughing head, but I can’t see myself every displaying it.
This line is definitely not striving for articulation and instead prioritizing the sculpt and accessories to bring these characters to life. While Burns fares better than Ralph Wiggum from last week, he’s still not as well-thought out as he could be. Burns has his “hooked” hands by default, but he also has a set of relaxed hands, “Excellent” hands, and a set of gripping hands where his right hand is much wider than the left. He also has the more usual two alternate portraits: an evil laugh with side-eye, and an eyes closed contented face. The evil laugh, which also doubles as an angry yell, is pretty self-explanatory and capable of adding a dash dynamism to your display while the contented expression is pretty much only useful for when he’s holding his teddy bear Bobo. Bobo is displayed as he was post being frozen, though not with the same level of detail as he was in the show. This is rather perplexing since it’s far harder to capture detail in animation than it is on a 3D model, but it’s true of Bobo. He has one dangling eye and stuffing popping out, but there’s no texture. Bobo looks so gross and sponge-like in places in the show so this depiction feels very underwhelming. Burns can at least clutch him to his bosom fairly easily.
Good old Blinky.
Did anybody want this?
Burns also comes with a serving tray featuring Blinky, the famous three-eyed fish who debuted in Season Two and resurfaces on occasion. Like Bobo, there’s not much texture to the fish and the paint on his fins where the body meets the lettuce he’s being served on is not applied very well. It’s also a missed opportunity that the lid to the serving tray Kodos comes with doesn’t also fit over Blinky. Burns also has an issue of Burns Weekly. It’s a soft piece of red plastic with an image of Burns printed on it. It’s very flimsy and there’s no attempt at sculpting on the edges to make it resemble an actual magazine. Very lazy, and also not really welcomed. I’d much prefer a copy of Burns’ autobiography Will There Ever Be a Rainbow? Lastly, we also get Burns’ trillion dollar bill which is on another piece of soft plastic with printing on both side. It looks fine, but it’s unnaturally thick for a bill. I guess it’s fine though since it makes it easier for the figure to hold and more durable. He basically only has one hand that can hold it, the left “Excellent” hand has the thumb positioned under the palm so the bill (or magazine) can be slotted in between effectively enough.
Well, at least Mr. Burns got what he wanted.
Burns is only slightly better than Ralph and it comes on the strength of more accessories and overall a better sculpt, but in comparison to the first two waves of the line he’s pretty underwhelming. I’m assuming the paint on the front of mine is unique to my copy and not a reflection of every Burns figure Super7 puts out, but the paint apps have been spotty in general so who can say how uncommon it is? It definitely doesn’t look and feel like a premium collectible so it’s impossible to recommend at $55. Plus, without a Smithers to pair him with the figure feels almost incomplete, because what is Burns without his sycophantic righthand man? Only get this if you absolutely have to have a Mr. Burns figure in this scale, and even then you should probably wait for the eventual discounted price that is almost sure to come before the year is through. Next up is wave four of this line and if you thought wave 3 was a little disappointing, then you haven’t seen nothing yet.
Join me as I journey through Super7’s take on The Simpsons:
Last week, we talked about two out of left field choices by Super7 for its line of action figures based on The Simpsons. This week, we’re discussing a fan favorite character that belongs and his inclusion is only perplexing given that there is no member of the Simpson family in the wave. Ralph Wiggum was…
We are onto the third wave of Ultimates! from Super7 based on The Simpsons. Like past waves, plenty of questions abound when it comes to Super7’s character selection and they’re not unfounded. Perhaps the two most questionable inclusions in this third wave are the subject of today’s post: Kang and Kodos. These are two separate…
If you’ve been following along with my reviews on the second wave of Super7’s The Simpsons Ultimates!, then you will have noted that I’ve had a bit of a love/hate relationship with this wave. For the most part, the sculpts and deco have been on point, it’s some of the little things that have been…
This is the story about a boy who just wanted to be loved.
Last week, we talked about two out of left field choices by Super7 for its line of action figures based on The Simpsons. This week, we’re discussing a fan favorite character that belongs and his inclusion is only perplexing given that there is no member of the Simpson family in the wave. Ralph Wiggum was featured in the very first episode of The Simpsons, but as a character, he wasn’t really developed until Season Four’s “I Love Lisa.” Up until that point, he was just some kid who was a little heavy-set, but made little impression. “I Love Lisa” made Ralph the character he is today. He’s more than a little slow, but genuine, and very impressionable. Unfortunately, he gets bad advice from his dad, the chief of police, which basically sets him up to have his heart broken by Lisa, but it all turns out well in the end. It’s not my favorite episode of The Simpsons, but it is one I adore and there are few episodes I’ve watched more than that one.
He wants to be loved, but not touched.
As an action figure, Ralph is a bit of a hard sell. The character is certainly beloved and not particularly difficult to translate to 3D, but it’s not one that presents a lot of opportunity for articulation or flashy paints. And since Super7’s Ultimates! line carries a base price of $55, Ralph is especially tough to value as he’s the same price as Homer, Moe, Krusty, and up to this point basically everyone except the massive Kang and Kodos. Super7 is one of those companies that has no problems asking its consumers to pay more for bigger characters, but never do they charge less for the small. And with Ralph, it’s hard to argue that Super7 has done much of anything to alleviate that.
The height of Ralph seems fine when compared with Bartman, but the rest? Eh, no.
Ralph stands at approximately 4.25″, probably a tick under. He’s just a little shorter than Bartman, which is proper for true scale, though his larger proportions make him look odd beside Bart. Ralph’s height is fine, but the rest isn’t really in scale. Unfortunately for Super7, there’s an entire episode about Bart and Ralph being paired up so there’s no shortage of reference images. Ralph’s hands and feet are gargantuan in comparison to Bart’s and the two do not look good side-by-side. I think this is a case of Super7 just not wanting to go smaller on Ralph than they did because then the asking price would look even more foolish. A lot of action figure lines tend to add a little to the smallest characters, and take a little from the largest to try to find a happy medium and I do think that’s true here. How much it bothers collectors is likely to vary from person-to-person, it’s just a shame the line ended up being a brief one because there’s really no one to pair Ralph with on the shelf if not Bartman. I guess he always was a bit of a loner.
Even with the adults his proportions just seem too big. His feet are bigger than Moe’s.
Aside from the scale, the sculpt on Ralph is fine. He has his almost blank expression where he’s smiling and it’s captured. He has his blue shirt and brown pants and basically the only paint is reserved for the eyes, shirt, and belt. His head does not appear to be painted yellow and instead Super7 just went with a matte coat. It’s a step back from the paint jobs we saw in the second wave of the line and I’m curious if these final two waves (which shipped at the same time and only a few weeks after the second) were rushed or had cuts made to them since Disney was pulling the license. The paint on the blue shirt is applied all right, but there are some blemishes. It also chips and flakes around where the arms plug into the shoulders leaving behind ugly, yellow, spots. By far though, my least favorite thing about the presentation of the figure is how Super7 did Ralph’s hair. Ralph has this very thin, wispy, hair in the show and Super7 opted to sculpt it in soft, black, plastic and glue it to his head. The end result is it’s just far too thick and he almost looks like he has dreadlocks. I think the proper way to do the hair would have been to sculpt it into his head and just paint it. Or do it with with something thinner, like the bristles you might find on a brush. This choice doesn’t work very well. You can especially see it in the reference art on the box how the diameter of his hair should be smaller than his pupils, but with the figure it’s the opposite.
At least it covers up the awful hair.
There isn’t much to say about Ralph’s articulation. It’s terrible. He’s barely better than a ReAction figure. The head just rotates and so do the shoulders. His elbows have little range as do the hinges in his hands. He has a waist twist, and everything below that is essentially useless. I don’t know what they were trying to do with the ankles as there’s basically a brown post that goes into his feet. There is a hinge, but it does almost nothing. There’s a gap between the end of his pants and shoes as a result and it looks bad. Ralph was never going to have terrific range at these joints, but it’s like they didn’t even try.
The only accessory you need?
A little statue like Ralph is relying on accessories to create value. I often get the sense with Super7 that they start at the $55 price and then try to add enough stuff to hit their cost target. With Ralph, I don’t really get that sense and instead this figure feels like a cost-saving one. The most popular character in the line that will probably sell the best so let’s produce it cheaply and maximize profit! Ralph has no extra hands and one extra head. That head is exactly the same as the default one, except it has a melted ice cream cone glued to the forehead. That’s it. The heads are really hard to swap too and I can’t see myself ever wanting to use this reference from a later episode that’s also a dated joke that hasn’t aged well. Why no toothy grin? Or better yet, a grin with red crayon all over the teeth? This is just bad.
“Go banana!”
Ralph’s other accessories include a banana, jar of paste, Valentine, sign, and computer. The banana and jar of paste have hands sculpted to them which I guess is fine. The jar has a removable top with paste at the end of a brush inside it, but Ralph’s range of motion is so terrible he can’t hold it with the top on. The Valentine is what you would expect and features the “I Choo-Choo-Choose You” remark and there’s a picture of a train. It’s great for what it is and if it wasn’t included there would be riots. There is a “WARNING DO NOT HUG” sign that can be hung around Ralph’s neck which, again, is from a much later episode. I would have preferred his Idaho costume instead. The sign is all plastic so it doesn’t even hang properly and looks stupid. The computer is an old, boxy, design and Ralph is practicing spelling “CAT” on it and there’s a picture of a cat. It too is from a post golden age episode, but at least it’s the Super Nintendo Chalmers scene so I’ll allow it, but there isn’t really anything for Ralph to do with it. He can’t hold it and he doesn’t have a desk to put it on. It just sits there.
“Miss Hoover! I’m all out of ice cream!”
For such an iconic character, Ralph’s accessories are severely underwhelming. And considering how small he is and that he has just one alternate head, he should have more. Where is his key to the town? Where’s the leprechaun that tells him to start fires? He could have had soft goods and another head to recreate his George Washington costume. He could have had his TV dinner he needs someone to microwave for him or his box of Star Wars collectibles. What about the cat he likes talking about so much? A box of crayons with a missing red crayon? There’s just so much! Obviously, Super7 could not have given us everything, but it’s like they tried to impress us with deeper cuts from later in the show’s life when they would have been better served to just focus on “I Love Lisa” and deliver as much from that episode as possible like a facial expression from the exact moment his heart rips in two.
If you’re a fan of The Simpsons and collecting this line, should you get Ralph Wiggum? I mean, as a character, of course. He’s probably the most popular character in the wave. As an action figure that costs $55? Absolutely not. Super7 did not earn your money with this release. The paint is mediocre, the sculpt is too large, the articulation is practically non-existent and the accessories uninspired. This is a dud of a release. Yeah, mixed in on your shelf with the rest of the line (provided he’s not next to Bartman) Ralph will look okay, but no one is likely to see it and go “Oh wow! I love that Ralph!” If I wasn’t going all-in on this line as a show of support so it would go on for awhile (oops), I would have passed or at least cancelled my preorder when Super7 figures started routinely hitting the discount rack. I suggest anyone who does have an interest in Ralph to just wait for such an event.
We are onto the third wave of Ultimates! from Super7 based on The Simpsons. Like past waves, plenty of questions abound when it comes to Super7’s character selection and they’re not unfounded. Perhaps the two most questionable inclusions in this third wave are the subject of today’s post: Kang and Kodos. These are two separate…
If you’ve been following along with my reviews on the second wave of Super7’s The Simpsons Ultimates!, then you will have noted that I’ve had a bit of a love/hate relationship with this wave. For the most part, the sculpts and deco have been on point, it’s some of the little things that have been…
If you’re going to market action figures to a fanbase as venerable as The Simpsons, you should probably go after what they love most. Simpsons fans love to make references to their favorite episodes and characters and one of the top episodes from the show is “You Only Move Twice” from the show’s seventh season.…
We are onto the third wave of Ultimates! from Super7 based on The Simpsons. Like past waves, plenty of questions abound when it comes to Super7’s character selection and they’re not unfounded. Perhaps the two most questionable inclusions in this third wave are the subject of today’s post: Kang and Kodos. These are two separate releases, but since the figures are practically the same it makes sense to review the two at the same time. These aliens could be described as fan favorite characters and they owe much of that status to their close ties to the annual Halloween celebration that is Treehouse of Horror. For awhile, these two aliens could be counted on to make at least a cameo appearance, but the show seems to have mostly dropped that. They’ve probably appeared in more than they’ve missed, and their debut occurred in the very first installment of the Halloween tradition. Still, they take up two slots of a wave that includes four figures and not one of them is an actual member of the Simpson family (though one does make it into this wave as an accessory) which is more than a little bizarre. Why not save the pair for a Treehouse-themed wave? Devil Flanders is in the fourth wave, so they’re only one figure short. Oh well, Super7’s poor planning is not the fault of these figures so let’s just see if they can stand on their own merits.
Robot Scratchy has been overthrown.
The aliens of The Simpsons are green, octopus-like creatures with one eye and a massive maw that is constantly overflowing with saliva. The aliens apparently need a very specific type of mix to the air they breath so they are most often seen in a large glass helmet that covers their head, but still allows for their tentacles to be free. I had never paid much attention to how many tentacles each alien has, but if Super7 can be assumed to have done its homework then the answer is five. Kang and Kodos are siblings and in one episode Kang refers to Kodos as his sister, though I think they refer to the character as a “he” in later episodes. Since they are largely from the Treehouse of Horror anthology episodes, their appearances are basically non-canon anyway so their circumstances change to suit the jokes and situations each plot presents. They did have one non-Treehouse appearance, but it’s an episode most consider to be pretty terrible and I have no idea if it’s considered canon or not by the show’s writers. Regardless, as action figures these two present an obvious challenge since there isn’t a whole lot to articulate. They’re also massive and come at an inflated price of $75 each. That was too rich for me initially, though once the line was cancelled I felt better about extending myself to make sure I had a full collection. Plus, I took advantage of an influencer discount at Entertainment Earth (Preternia, if you’re curious, since that guy is always alerting me to great action figure deals) and free shipping was just enough to get me to bite now rather than hold out for a possible discount later. These two arrived in a massive box which was honestly pretty exciting.
“We find your lack of mass amusing.”
The packaging for Kang and Kodos is consistent with the first two waves so slipcovers are included. The cardstock in use for their oversized boxes is thicker than usual and both actually got a little beat up in transit. They’re too big to save anyways so I tossed them, but they’re definitely two of the bigger Ultimates! boxes I’ve encountered. I think both the Power Rangers T-Rex and Dragonzord were wider, but these were deeper and taller. They’re also held in place with lots of tie-downs and twist-ties which is annoying, but they did seem to keep everything in place.
Everything about this pair is big.
Kang and Kodos are exactly the same size. Their “heads” are a little over 7″ alone and once you put the dome on their bodies you’re talking about something that’s over 11″ tall. They are big and impressive to look at, but I stress the “look at” part. In-hand, they feel shockingly cheap. Shockingly because they don’t look how one would expect them to feel. The heads are hollow so they’re very light. Some parts of the heads appear to be painted and some appear to be colored plastic made to fit in place. The mouth area is all painted well, but the green spots on the tops of the heads can be iffy. Kodos, in particular, has some bad paint up there where some of the spots are unfinished. Worse though are these domes. They’re plastic and are manufactured in two halves and then glued together. I think, because they don’t want to separate. Both were pretty scuffed up right out of the box and since they were packaged well I’m assuming they went into the box in this condition. Once again, it’s Kodos that gets the worst of it as their dome has a pretty nice scrape on it near the top and also a random black dot. Unfortunately, both eyesores are on different sides so one is always visible and the seams around the whole thing do limit the display options. Oddly, Kang’s was packaged differently and included a soft, plastic, hose around the tip of the dome though the tip on Kodos’ dome arrived fine without it. Kang also had more plastic wrapped around his head for some reason. Kodos has what appears to be some tape stuck over the left side of the eye that I’m having a hard time getting off too.
It doesn’t photograph well, but the domes are scuffed up on mine. Hopefully it’s an isolated issue.
The domes and badly painted spots are my only gripes about the presentation with these two because they have the size to earn their spot on a shelf. If they can fit, that is. I’ve been displaying my collection on the Arcade 1-Up editions of The Simpsons arcade game and these two aren’t going to fit. If I was determined to pull it off I probably could, but I doubt I’d be able to add any others. Instead, they’re going on a stand beside the cabinet and I’ll probably stick Devil Flanders with them as well.
They basically pose just enough to use their accessories.
For articulation, there’s not a lot to speak of. The heads rotate on the base and the eye is articulated as well. It’s basically a marble that can be moved around which is a nice touch. The two front and one rear tentacle are connected with hinged pegs so they can move a bit, but the range for the hinge is pretty minimal. The two side tentacles function as the arms and are connected to the body in the same manner, but they’re skinnier so the range is better. They’re also segmented and each features an “elbow” and a “wrist” for additional posing. All of the joints are the same hinged peg and they don’t do a ton. I’m not sure if a ball joint would have been better. There would likely be better range, but the sculpt would likely be broken up even more. You’re basically just going to pick your favorite accessories and pose them accordingly.
There are quite a few food-based accessories.
And for accessories, we get a lot of stuff just pulled from the show. Kodos features two tentacle ends that come to a soft point which can be swapped with a tentacle holding a salt shaker, ray gun, serving tray, or the big book on how to cook for forty humans. The ray gun is a really fun design and well painted. The tentacle piece holding onto it is kind of like a “trigger” tentacle and it pegs into the handle of the gun and can be removed. Without the gun, it sort of looks like a thumb’s up gesture. The other items have the tentacle molded to them. The serving tray or dish is a domed one and the dome does come off, though Super7 didn’t provide anything to place in it. I guess they can serve potato chips or a cream pie if you have Homer and Krusty. The other portrait for Kodos is a laughing expression and it’s a nice complement to the more menacing, default, portrait. It’s a bit more visually engaging and I feel drawn to it over the standard look.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only Simpson of wave 3.
At least she scales reasonably well.
For Kang, he has a cheeky grin by default and his alternate portrait is the same as the one included with Kodos except his eye is closed. It’s kind of lame as a result because the moveable eye is the best piece of articulation the two have. If you want the two laughing on your shelf then I guess it’s fine. Kang also comes with his hitchhiking sign that says “Earth Capital.” His default right tentacle ends in a hook shape which can hold it in place if you wish, or it has a peg hole and can be affixed to the gun-holding tentacle end, which Kang also comes with. His other parts are tentacles holding a knife and fork so you can pair the two up for a dinner scene. Kang’s best accessory though is his daughter, Maggie, following the loss of her baby legs. Maggie looks pretty vicious as she has a wide grin with visible sharp tooth. Her pacifier is on one of her tentacles and her head can rotate. She’s painted well and is the only Simpson included in wave three. Since she is in variant form, I guess it makes sense given that was the case for Homer and Bart. If you want to place her with them, she does scale pretty well.
“Go ahead and eat me. At least I’ll be able to die saying I had dinner plans.”
These two look pretty damn good and the accessories included are fine. I would have preferred a better secondary portrait for Kang, perhaps an angry one that pairs with the angry one included with Kodos, but otherwise I’m pretty satisfied with what’s included. I just wish the domes turned out cleaner. They display all right, but look pretty bad up close and for seventy-five bucks it’s inexcusable. That’s the big hindrance with these two as that asking price is crazy. I don’t know what they cost to manufacturer and ship obviously, but when Super7 asks for a premium on these larger figures, but still charges $55 for Bartman and Ralph it definitely makes the consumer feel as if they’re not getting a great value. The cheap in-hand feel of this pair doesn’t help as they don’t feel like $75 figures. I’m left wondering if it would have been better to just do them as soft vinyl figures outside of the Ultimates! line. They would have sacrificed articulation, but that would have been no great loss and looked and felt a whole lot better. They also probably would have been $200 a piece considering Super7’s Super Size vinyl figures are $300 and in some cases are not much bigger. This is what we got though so if you want a Kang and Kodos in this scale better ready that wallet or hope for a clearance event down the road. These two may not have been ordered in the quantities other figures were so it’s hard to know if it will happen, but I’d say it’s more likely than not. Just watch out for a run on them as Halloween approaches.
We have plenty more from the world of Springfield and Super7:
If you’ve been following along with my reviews on the second wave of Super7’s The Simpsons Ultimates!, then you will have noted that I’ve had a bit of a love/hate relationship with this wave. For the most part, the sculpts and deco have been on point, it’s some of the little things that have been…
When I concluded my review of wave 1 of The Simpsons Ultimates! from Super7 I was thinking that I’d be back with more reviews later in the year. That was in February of 2023. We are now in April of 2024 and finally wave two has arrived (my original order was place January 5th, 2022).…
If you’re going to market action figures to a fanbase as venerable as The Simpsons, you should probably go after what they love most. Simpsons fans love to make references to their favorite episodes and characters and one of the top episodes from the show is “You Only Move Twice” from the show’s seventh season.…
Today, we return to my best Christmas specials of all-time list with television’s first family: The Simpsons. The Simpsons are the brainchild of series creator Matt Groening who allegedly came up with the idea as a spur of the moment one when he needed something to pitch to the Fox Network. He essentially based The Simpsons on his own family and even borrowed some of the names of his family members for the now iconic characters of the show. The pitch was a success and The Simpsons became a segment on The Tracey Ullman Show. When it gained enough popularity that the Fox Network couldn’t ignore, the segment was spun-off into its own series.
When Fox decided to take a chance on The Simpsons it did so with some trepidation. TV people James L. Brooks and Sam Simon were added to the mix to give it some credibility, but the Fox Network was still young with inexperience at virtually every level of the operation. And the TV guys the network brought in had little experience with animation. Fox wasn’t willing to commit to a full season order, so 13 episodes were ordered for the first season. That inexperience with animation reared its head early when the very first episode, “Some Enchanted Evening,” came back from the overseas animator looking dreadful. Un-airable. The team didn’t understand how long retakes would take in animation nor did they realize how expensive they were. It’s not a big deal to do reshoots in live-action with a set that lives in perpetuity on a studio lot, but for animation someone has to re-draw, re-color, and re-edit the show.
Obviously, those growing pains would eventually pay dividends and The Simpsons is currently airing its 35th season. And it all started here. When “Some Enchanted Evening” came back so bad it called for a lot of changes, the show wouldn’t make its original air date so Fox decided to delay it to give it more time. As part of that delay, the Christmas episode was moved up. Now, The Simpsons could premiere as a Christmas special in December of 1989 with the rest of the season kicking off in 1990. It’s a bit unusual for a show to start with a Christmas episode, but not unheard of. The Fox animated series Life With Louie would do a Christmas special as a pilot a few years later which would turn into a series order for that show. And because today’s episode was the first to air, it’s now just recognized as the show’s first episode even though it wasn’t number 1 in production order.
The first season of The Simpsons is admittedly a little rough. It always takes a show time to find its voice and The Simpsons is no different. For a first episode though, this one is pretty damn good. The show knew it wanted the family to be a bit dysfunctional. So many television families of the past were rather wholesome with little conflict within the family unit that wasn’t just some trivial issue. That was changing in the 80’s and the sitcom Roseanne is often cited as one of the first shows willing to put a more “real” family on TV. Married…with Children went hard into that with a more farcical take while The Simpsons would land somewhere in-between. Being animation, the show could get a little out there when compared with a live-action sitcom while still retaining plot issues like job security and money.
And this first episode of The Simpsons very much deals with money issues. Financial stress around the holidays is definitely not unique to the Simpsons and many families deal with that every year. It’s exacerbated by the presence of Santa Claus who bestows presents on the good boys and girls of the world and coal on the bad ones. When Santa brings the rich kid down the street a new bike while the poor kid settles for a yo-yo, it’s bound to raise some questions on the playground. As a result, all parents feel pressured to shower their children with gifts whether they can afford it or not. I’m guilty of going a little nuts around the holidays, and while I’ve never spent outside my means, I do regret not setting expectations lower. Maybe one gift should be from Santa and the rest from mom and dad. It might not make the kid who gets little feel much better, but at least said kid isn’t left wondering why Santa treats him so poorly while the kid who doesn’t need any help is rewarded.
They must be pretty late if no one is even on the road.
Anyway, the unique flavor of this Christmas episode of The Simpsons is what makes it so endearing for me. It also doesn’t hurt that it has incredible historic significance by being the first of over 700 episodes and counting. Perhaps to give it more of a “Christmas Special” feel, the episode doesn’t begin with the usual show intro. We just get a quick jingle of the main theme (composed by Danny Elfman) with a graphic that reads “The Simpsons Christmas Special” super-imposed over a dark, snowy, backdrop. Homer (Dan Castellaneta), Marge (Julie Kavner), and Maggie are in the car heading for a school Christmas recital. Homer is driving rather erratically as they’re apparently late while Marge urges him to slow down.
“Pardon my goulashes.”
When the family arrives at the recital, late, they’re forced to awkwardly slip in to find seats. As they do so, Homer keeps calling out to other fathers he knows and who could forget Homer’s buddy Norman? Or Fred? Yeah, these are names we’ll never hear again. Even though Homer makes a remark to Norman about “getting dragged here too” he seems pretty cheerful and happy to be present, a far cry from how he feels about attending a thorough re-telling of the life of George Washington in Season Four.
A very odd color choice here.
Once they find their seats, Homer and Marge watch as Principal Skinner (Harry Shearer) introduces the presentations which are by class. Up next, a presentation of Santas from around the world by the second graders. It almost feels like there’s only one second grade class in this school which gives Springfield a very small town feel. I think in my town, a suburb in New Hampshire, we had around 12-15 classes per grade. Up first is possibly a proto-Janie (Pamela Hayden) to talk about German Santa who bestows gifts upon the good children and whipping rods on the parents of bad children to beat them with. We then hear from a proto-Ralph (Nancy Cartwright) who looks a little like Ralph Wiggum, but sounds nothing like him. He’s a Japanese priest who resembles Santa and his main feature is that he has eyes in the back of his head which the child demonstrates with a pair of spring-eyed glasses he’s wearing backwards. The crowd gasps as they fall out of place which feels very quaint by today’s standards. Finally, it’s Lisa’s (Yeardley Smith) turn who will be portraying a Polynesian Santa or something. It too causes the crowd to gasp because it involves a fire dance, or maybe they’re gasping because she looks like she isn’t wearing any pants? It’s an odd coloring choice as she’s wearing a straw skirt with virtually no coverage and her leggings are the same color as her flesh. Everyone applauds when she finishes either because they enjoyed it or because they’re just impressed she didn’t burn the place down.
“He’s the boy you love to hate!”
And now it’s time to hear from the fourth grade class – screw those stupid third graders! This is, of course, Bart’s (Cartwright) class and what’s America’s soon-to-be favorite little hellion going to do to ruin this pageant? Why, nothing more than change the words to “Jingle Bells.” You know the one, that famous school yard parody of unknown origin that turns the yuletide classic into a song about Batman’s poor hygiene. As the camera pans through the crowd of fourth-graders assembled on the stage, virtually none of them are recognizable. I did spot Lewis and Milhouse is in the first row, but the other faces are weird and unfamiliar. Before Bart breaks into his own rendition, Marge gets to comment on how angelic he is. Once he finishes his verse, a hand jumps into frame to yank him out of position. I assume it belonged to Skinner. Homer looks mad, then he looks bored as there’s a dissolve to indicate the passage of time and we can hear Skinner announcing the fifth grade performance. Behind Marge, there’s a woman without a nose which is creepy. Homer mutters aloud “How many grades does this school have?” and we fade out.
Christmas is coming, Simpsons.
We’re now at the home of the Simpson family! It’s decorated for Christmas and there’s a roaring fire. The kids are writing out their Christmas lists while Marge is working on a Christmas letter to send out. We hear her internal dictation to herself as she writes it. She notes that their cat died, but they replaced old Snowball with a new cat – Snowball II. Snowball II can be seen getting tangled in a box of Christmas lights which Homer is trying to untangle. It also should be noted the joke here is that the dead cat was a white one and appropriately named Snowball while the new one is a black cat, but they just kept the name anyway. Marge writes about how Grandpa is still alive and as feisty as ever and boasts about how well Lisa is doing in school. When she gets to Bart she just writes, “…well, we love Bart,” and lets that be it. Homer angrily barks at her asking if she finished that “stupid” letter yet prompting Marge to write “Homer sends his love,” before putting the finishing touches on it.
I tried to get the twister mouth captured, but it was driving me nuts, so here’s this relatively bland image instead.
Homer resumes his demands of Marge as he can’t seem to locate the extension chord. Marge snaps back that it’s where it should be – in the utility drawer. Good for Marge for standing up for herself. Homer softens and apologizes and blames it all on his excitement for the holidays. He then retrieves the extension chord from the drawer and we get a sort of “d’oh!” out of him when he finds it all tangled. Marge then asks the kids for their lists and indicates that she’ll send them to Santa right away. This prompts Bart to mutter, through a classic Simpsons twister mouth expression, “Oh please, there’s only one fat guy who brings presents and his name ain’t Santa.” You can tell the show wasn’t really going after the kid market in the beginning otherwise such a line wouldn’t exist.
This is just the beginning of Homer’s hatred of Patty and Selma.
Marge is then dismayed to see that the only thing Lisa wants is a pony and Bart wants a tattoo. Bart tries to justify his desire by saying they last forever, but Homer tells him he’s not getting one. If Bart wants a tattoo he’ll have to pay for it himself! Well, at least he tried. The phone rings and Homer answers it. On the other line is one of Marge’s sisters who just asks for Marge. Homer tries asking who is calling, but she just keeps asking for Marge as she clearly wants nothing to do with Homer. This just angers Homer, but he finally hands the phone to Marge and we find out it’s her sister Patty (Kavner). She indicates that she and her twin sister Selma (also Kavner) would be delighted to spend Christmas Eve with their baby sister. Marge tells her that she and Homer would be delighted to see them too and Patty, correctly, notes that Homer is probably not very enthusiastic about it. She then starts to complain about Homer as the scene fades out.
Don’t be confused, this is an image of the lights turned on. Nice attention to detail by having Homer’s imprint still in the snow.
When the next scene fades in, we find Homer on the roof in a rather precarious position as he attempts to hang Christmas lights. He does the predictable thing and falls, but there’s a nice pile of powder for him to land on so he’s no worse for ware. Homer then calls the kids over to plug in the lights. For some reason, he’s also wearing a tie now. Maybe this is the next night after work? Anyway, Homer calls for Marge to turn them on and it’s a rather pathetic display as only a couple of lights are working. Lisa adds a “Nice try, Dad,” while Bart can’t even muster up an insult and just hangs his head with a groan. Homer seems pleased though, at least until his neighbor Ned Flanders (Shearer) shouts over to ask him what he thinks of his display? He plugs it in and it’s pretty spectacular compared with Homer’s as all of the lights are working and there’s even an animated Santa on the roof. The kids stare at it in awe while Homer complains it’s too bright and crosses his arms angrily to mutter to himself.
The fabled big jar of money!
The next morning, Marge tells the kids over breakfast that she’s heading to the mall for Christmas shopping, and if they want to go too, they should go get their money. They’re pretty excited about going to the mall because it’s 1989 and that’s where all the action is! With them out of the kitchen, Homer is able to prod Marge about her secret stash of Christmas money. She tells him to close his eyes so as not to reveal her hiding place and when he does we find out it’s a big jar she keeps hidden in her giant hair. Marge must have amazing neck strength. Homer opens his eyes and remarks on how big the jar is this year as it’s full of bills and coins.
These things always seem like such a good idea at the time.
At the mall, Marge and Lisa go off shopping basically leaving Bart to his own whims. He soon happens upon a tattoo parlor and notices a display containing a heart design that says “Mother” on it. Bart fantasizes how such a tattoo would be received by his own mother which confirms to him that she thinks it’s a wonderful present that makes him look dangerous. Since Bart’s imagination is infallible, he heads to the counter and demands “One mother, please.” The tattoo artist curtly asks how old he is and Bart cheerfully responds with “21 my good man!” The guy simply responds with “Get in the chair.” According to the episode commentary, the writers struggled with how to get Bart into the tattoo chair because who would agree to tattoo a 10 year old? This simple line was what they settled on and I think it works. The line delivery by Harry Shearer is also perfect in selling this guy’s “I don’t care” attitude.
A Season One look at the office of C. Montgomery Burns. Interesting that the stuffed bear would remain a mainstay.
We cut to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant which has a festive banner at the entrance denoting the time of year. We find Homer inside doing something he rarely does: work. He’s looking at some gauges and noting the readings on a clipboard. This is still Homer though and it would appear he’s doing a bad job as one meter rises abruptly and another is flashing red. The intercom comes on and it’s the voice of Waylon Smithers (Shearer) who is set to introduce Mr. Burns (Shearer) for an important announcement. Despite Smithers requesting that all employees continue working through this announcement, Homer puts his clipboard down and starts munching on a donut. He’s soon joined by several other, random, workers as Mr. Burns makes his announcement. He is pleased to report that they have improved plant safety without affecting consumer costs or management pay raises. Unfortunately, for the other “semi-skilled” workers, as he puts it, this means there will be no Christmas bonus this year. Dejected, the other workers disperse while Homer looks pretty distressed and thanks God for the big jar of money.
Lasers: very expensive and not for the groin.
Naturally, this means the big jar of money is in serious plot jeopardy. We go back to the mall and Marge spots her precious little guy in the chair at the tattoo parlor. She storms in and yanks the boy out mid-tattoo turning his intended “Mother” tattoo into one that says “Moth.” She drags him by the arm, his recently tattooed arm, a few stores down which just so happens to be a laser surgery center. I can’t say I ever saw such a place in a mall, but it does make good business sense to have one located near a tattoo parlor. The technician (Shearer) tells Marge they can remove the tattoo, but it’s a costly procedure that requires an upfront, cash, payment. Marge just looks at the big jar of money she’s carrying in despair and adds a “Thank God for Homer’s Christmas bonus.” Oh Marge, you poor fool! With the payment seemingly made, Bart can get the procedure. As the laser warms up, we get to hear one of Bart’s catchphrases, “Aye carumba!” The technician then instructs him not to squirm as you wouldn’t want to get this laser near your eye or your groin. Apparently, getting the word groin past the censors was a minor battle the show won.
Just in case there wasn’t a penny lurking in there, she turns it upside down.
It’s time to head back to 742 Evergreen Terrace (well, technically, in Season One the address had yet to be decided, but you get the idea) where Bart is sitting on the couch watching TV while Lisa pokes his new arm injury. She pokes, he says “Ow! Quit it,” and we repeat. Maggie also gets in on it. I actually really like this gag. Homer comes home to hear the bad news. Lisa is almost too eager to tell her father that the family had to blow the Christmas jar on laser surgery for Bart. Homer takes one look at that empty jar, which Marge turns upside down and shakes for added dramatic effect, and immediately begins wailing about Christmas being cancelled. Marge then assures her husband things will be okay because they still have his Christmas bonus. If you think this is the part where Homer tells the family he’s not getting a bonus this year then you have clearly never watched a sitcom. Homer just acts like he’s just remembering he has that bonus coming and no one in the family appears to pick up on the fact that he’s lying. Homer then exits the house through the kitchen, which is somehow the front door. One of the fun aspects to watching Season One of this show now is how crazy the layout of the house gets. Some shots will just have endless entryways in the background, or even in this past scene, Marge enters into the living room via the den, but when camera cuts back to her it’s the kitchen that’s behind her.
A lot of early episodes of The Simpsons feature Homer and Marge in bed.
Homer takes a sad look at his crappy Christmas decorations and the camera pans to the home of the Flanders so we can get a better sense of how inferior Homer’s Christmas is shaping up in comparison. He can’t even muscle up a “Stupid Flanders,” comment, only hang his head in shame. The scene then shifts to one of Marge and Homer in bed. Marge can tell something is bothering Homer and that he’s hiding something from her as well. When she brings up the subject of his Christmas bonus, Homer gets a chance to come clean, but instead of doing so makes up a lie about wanting to do the Christmas shopping this year. Marge is happy to hand over the list to her husband as that’s one less thing she has to worry about and she rolls over to go to sleep. With the lights out, we can still see the white of Homer’s eyes and his unsure smile.
Can’t be forgetting little Maggie’s Christmas present.
The next day, Homer heads out to do said Christmas shopping. His venue of choice? Not the mall, that’s much too expensive, for he has come to the seldom seen Circus of Values. I don’t think this store ever resurfaces in the future. Homer is monologuing his shopping decisions, which is very convenient for us viewers, as he picks out gifts for the family. Marge is getting pantyhose, Bart some pads of paper, and Maggie gets a squeak toy intended for dogs that’s shaped like a porkchop. Lisa apparently gets nothing. As Homer leaves with his lone bag of “gifts,” he bumps into Flanders outside. Ned couldn’t see him because his arms were piled high with wrapped gifts which are now all over the sidewalk. Ned apologizes then takes note of the mess before them and how tricky it will be to sort out what’s what. As he starts picking stuff up with a “One of mine,” for each, Homer growls back “They’re all yours!” since he has his lone bag in-hand. To add further insult to injury, Todd Flanders (Pamela Hayden, and the credits actually list this as Rod Flanders, but it’s clearly Todd) has picked up Homer’s porkchop and offers it back to him which he angrily snatches from the youth’s hand. Mind you, this looks extra pathetic as the Simpson family doesn’t currently own a dog. The two Flanders then head off to wherever it is they’re off to with Todd telling his dad that this will be the best Christmas ever! Does anybody ever make such a statement unironically in real life?
This version of Moe’s Tavern is basically free of dank.
Feeling pretty low, Homer heads to his favorite watering hole: Moe’s Tavern. Here, the grumpy Moe (Hank Azaria) is sporting a festive Santa hat and is overseeing a pretty well-decorated bar. The Moe of later seasons would never go this far to decorate his place. He also has black hair and a pink apron, two things that will change before the season is concluded. He asks Homer what’s wrong and notes he’s been sucking on a beer all day. He even offers Homer a candy cane to cheer him up – who is this guy?! Barney (Castellaneta) enters and announces drinks all around! Which is just he and Homer. He’s decked out in a Santa suit and Homer prods why. Barney tells him he got a job playing Santa down at the mall as he downs almost an entire mug of beer in one swig. Homer asks if he thinks he could get a job doing that and Barney cautions him by saying “They’re very selective,” before unleashing his classic belch. In case you were unaware, Barney is named after Barney Rubble as the writers thought it would be funny to give Homer a loser Barney as a best friend.
These Santas look more than a little strung out.
We cut to Homer on a job interview for this Santa program. The man conducting the interview (Shearer) wants to know if Homer likes kids and his response is “All the time?” He’s clearly not good at this stuff. The guy just frowns and Homer picks up on it and reassures the man that he does indeed like children. He’s hired on the spot, but is then given the bad news that he has to go through Santa training. This takes us to perhaps one of the more enduring scenes from this episode as a room full of men dressed as Santa are robotically belting out “Ho ho ho,” from desks. The laughter, if you want to call it that, is interrupted by Homer raising his hand to ask the trainer (also Shearer, the guy voices almost everyone in this thing) when they get paid. He’s told “Not a dime until Christmas Eve,” and the men in the room resume their “Ho ho ho” routine only with much less enthusiasm.
There aren’t many bullet-headed characters in future episodes.
Next we find Homer in front of the class trying to recall the names of Santa’s reindeer. He gets the first three right, then guesses Nixon, followed by Comet, Cupid, Donna Dixon. The trainer just curtly tells him to sit down. It then cuts to Homer seated with a smile on his face while the trainer sits on his lap. They’re role-playing how a visit with Santa might go, and when the trainer accuses him of being a fake, Homer’s response is to punch him in the face. The trainer prevents him from doing so and gets him to calm down and instructs him that he’s supposed to just lie to get out of such a sticky situation by saying he’s one of Santa’s helpers. Homer reassures himself that he knew that and this is apparently all the training he’s getting.
Even the kids can’t stand them.
Homer enters the house, exhausted, and Marge is there to ask him why he’s seven hours late. He tells her he doesn’t want to talk about it and is heading straight for the tub. I feel like no one does that anymore, or maybe people with fancy tubs or hot tubs do. I, like the Simpsons, have a pretty basic bath tub and I wouldn’t dream of taking a bath in it. Marge tells Homer that her sisters are here which forces a shudder from Homer. He slinks into the living room to say hi while Bart and Lisa are relieved to see their father as it means getting away from the clutches of their aunts. They both latch onto one of his legs as Homer greets the twins doing a very poor job of masking his dislike for them. When he wishes them a “Merry Christmas,” they both sort of snort in response and point out how you can’t tell it’s Christmas in this house because there’s no tree. Homer angrily responds that he was just about to go get one. Bart and Lisa run after him asking if they can tag along, but their father snaps at them with a “No!” before storming out.
Does Homer always keep a chainsaw in his trunk or did he take it from the garage knowing this is how his night was going to end up?
Homer heads out into the night to the tune of “Winter Wonderland.” We see him drive by lot after lot of Christmas trees all with a posted price that is apparently out of his price range. And with good reason, the first one wants $75 a tree. In 1989, $75 was like $180 today and that’s pretty insane for a tree. I think I paid $65 for my tree last year and it was at one of those farms where you pick out your own tree and cut it down. I haven’t bought a lot tree since I was a kid, so I’m not sure if what I do costs more money or less. As Homer drives, he passes other lots and the price is going down, but not by much. The last one we see is advertising slightly irregular trees for $45 that look like something out of a Dr. Seuss book so Homer does the only sensible thing: he sneaks onto someone’s property and cuts his own tree! We just see him as a shadowy figure with the sound of a chainsaw echoing around him. Dogs are unleashed, there’s some gunfire, but Homer escapes unharmed.
It’s never a bad idea to bribe Santa, kid.
Back at home, everyone is impressed with Homer’s tree while Selma points out there’s a birdhouse in it. Homer just says it’s an ornament, but I doubt he’s fooling his sisters-in-law who are at least kind enough to just drop the subject. We end the scene with Patty asking if she smells gun powder. Now, it’s mall time and Homer is in the big guy’s chair! Some little kid (Cartwright) is asking him for a bunch of stuff, but Homer tells him he doesn’t need all of that junk since he probably has a good home and a loving father who would do anything for him. The kid has no response, so Homer just asks him for a bite of his donut. The scene ends with the photographer snapping a picture of Homer Santa taking a very generous bite out of said donut and the kid doesn’t look too happy.
Oh, that Bart!
From a nearby balcony, Bart, Milhouse (Hayden), and Lewis (Cartwright) are all watching this unfold. None of the kids recognize Homer and they’re poking fun at the kids who actually buy into this Santa grift. Bart dares Milhouse, who appears to be dressed in a Santa suit himself, to sit on his lap, but Milhouse counters with a dare for Bart to yank his beard. Bart, not being one to back down, accepts this dare and makes his way towards Santa. When he’s seated on Homer’s lap, Homer lets out a yelp at the sight of his own kid, but then tries to play it cool by asking him his name. This is where we get another classic Bart line of “I’m Bart Simpson, who the Hell are you?” Homer just growls in response, “I’m jolly old Saint Nick.” Bart declares they’ll just see about that as he gives Homer’s beard a tug and we get another picture shot. This time it’s Homer’s beard being pulled down and a shocked Bart realizing who is in costume here.
This is the most awe Bart will ever have for his father.
Homer scoops up his boy in his arms and angrily storms off to a prop house in the back for a little heart-to-heart. Now is when Homer finally comes clean to someone about his lack of a bonus. Bart is actually impressed with his father and points out how low he’s willing to sink to make sure he and the family have a good Christmas. It’s not the nicest phrasing, but Bart’s smile indicates he’s sincere and Homer seems touched. He then heads back out to resume his duty as the big guy, but after saying “Hi” to all of the children he smacks his head on the door frame and utters some mild profanity which seems to alarm some of the mothers nearby.
Not even in 1989 would 13 bucks get you very far.
With the job done, all that is left to do is collect a big, fat, check! Bart apparently decided to spend the rest of the day at his father’s side as he’s joined him in the line for checks with the other Santas. Homer sees this as an opportunity to teach Bart the value of work, but when he’s handed a check for a meager $13 all of that is ruined. He demands of the teller to explain how his pay was only $13 only to find out they deducted things from his pay like the cost of the suit, training, and other stuff. It was supposed to be a check for over 100 bucks which probably would have done a decent job of acquiring gifts in 1989, but 13 bucks won’t get you anything.
Is Barney Gumble the harbinger of miracles to come?!
Homer, defeated, plops down on a couch while Bart suggests they just head home. Then we hear the voice of Barney offscreen overjoyed at receiving a check for “Thirteen big ones!” Homer doesn’t understand why Barney is so happy only to find out that Barney has plans for this money. He’s heading to the dog track where a can’t miss pup by the name of Whirlwind is fixing to turn this 13 bucks into something more. He encourages Homer to come along, but Homer finds the idea of taking his kid to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve rather distasteful. This is when Bart chimes in that this is how all of the Christmas miracles in TV happen. Apparently he’s self aware as he lists off some of television’s miracle benefators at Christmas including Tiny Tim, Charlie Brown, and The Smurfs. Homer seems convinced, and I bet a Season 3 Homer would be enthusiastic about following the lessons taught by TV, but this one just asks “Who’s Tiny Tim?” as they head out.
Well it looks like one Simpsons kid is having a pretty swell Christmas, at least.
At the Simpson house, Patty and Selma are present along with Grandpa (Castellaneta) Simpson for Christmas Eve. They’re watching a Christmas special on TV starring the Happy Little Elves, a sort of parody of The Smurfs seldom seen after the first season. Lisa is reacting to the show in earnest fashion while the adults, mostly Grandpa, can’t stand it. It’s then pointed out by Patty that Homer is late and Marge says he told him that he was going caroling with Bart. This then smash cuts to Barney and Bart singing “We’re in the Money” as they make their way into the dog track. Homer still can’t believe he’s doing this, and that feeling only mounts when he gets a look at Whirlwind and declares the dog a scrawny little bag of bones. Bart, who is now wearing Homer’s Santa hat and looking pretty adorable, points out that all of the dogs are scrawny little bags of bones. There’s also a brief exchange between another father and son where the kid asks if they can open their gifts now with the dad retorting “You know the tradition son, not until the 8th race.” It’s hilariously sad.
Bart’s not a very bright kid, but he still may be smarter than his father.
As Barney makes his way to the counter to place his bet, a voice (Shearer) comes over the loudspeaker to announce that number 8 is being replaced with a new dog: Santa’s Little Helper. Homer hears this name and thinks it’s a sign. He expresses his enthusiasm towards Bart who tells his father it’s just a coincidence. Even when they get the odds on the dog, 99 to 1, Homer still isn’t dismayed. He sees it as an opportunity, but Bart informs him that he has a bad feeling about this. Homer basically begs his son to trust in him because it’s all he has and Bart decides to go along so as to spare his father’s feelings. There’s no changing his dad’s mind anyway as he bets it all on Santa’s Little Helper.
Lisa with a very smart defense of her father. If only he could have been there to hear it.
Back at the house, everyone is still watching (and not enjoying) The Happy Little Elves. Well, Lisa is, that is until she overhears her aunt Patty refer to her father as a “doofus.” When she asks her aunt what she said, Patty just nonchalantly informs her that she’s just trashing her father. Lisa then, rather calmly, sticks up for her father, “Well, I wish you wouldn’t, because aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings he is the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships so I hope that you bare in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.” Patty has nothing to say aside from “Watch your cartoon, dear.” She put that old bat in her place!
Well, at least they’re only out 13 bucks.
It’s race time down at the track and Homer and Bart are up against the railing to take it all in. Homer encourages Bart to kiss the ticket for good luck and then the dogs are off! The two enthusiastically cheer on their chosen champion until it’s announced that he’s currently in last place, and pretty far back at that. Bart just tries to tell his dad that this is when the miracle happens and the two resume their cheering and are hooting and hollering as…Whirlwind crosses the finish line. Bart is dumbfounded and can only conclude that television has been lying to him. Homer bangs his head on the railing, a terrific use of foley, and then says he doesn’t want to leave until their dog finishes. The shot holds for a solid 3 seconds or so before Homer gives up and says they can leave. That’s probably my favorite joke in the whole episode.
So is Daria a girlfriend? Prostitute? Some random girl Barney met at the track?
Out in the parking lot, Homer and Bart are picking up discarded tickets and hoping to stumble upon an accidentally discarded winner. They’re soon interrupted by Barney who comes driving by in a convertible, on Christmas Eve, in a cold climate. It’s a choice, but he’s in the money! He doesn’t seem to know that Homer didn’t follow his advice as he just asks “What did I tell ya – Whirlwind!” He then burps and says to his lady friend “Let’s go, Daria.” For years, many fans insisted that Barney said “diarrhea” instead of Daria, but once the DVDs came out we could see for certain that he was saying Daria. I, for one, always heard Daria.
Welcome to the family, boy.
With Barney gone and no winning tickets found, Homer and Bart hang their heads and presumably start heading for the car. They then hear shouting as an angry voice declares “You came in last for the last time!” We don’t know it now, but the voice belongs to Les Moore (Azaria) and he’ll return in a future episode. For now, all we need to know about him is that he’s the present owner of Santa’s Little Helper and he no longer wants to be. Bart points the dog out as he races across the parking lot and leaps into Homer’s arms! Bart immediately asks if they can keep him, but Homer is still mad at this dog for coming in last. He starts trying to justify why they shouldn’t keep him, “But he’s a loser! He’s pathetic! He’s…” and then the dog licks him and Homer smiles, “…a Simpson.” Gets me every time.
Always deliver the bad new first.
One last trip to 742 Evergreen Terrace is in order. At this point, Grandpa has fallen asleep, the cartoon is way past over, and Patty and Selma are frothing at the mouth waiting to see what state Homer eventually returns in. Marge is just wondering if she should call the police when the door opens and Homer enters. He announces that he has a confession to make, and Patty and Selma get real excited at this. He starts to detail how he didn’t get his bonus, and that he tried to keep it from ruining their Christmas, but he doesn’t get to finish his sad speech as Bart come bursting in with a “Look what we got!”
Aww, he’s kissing the baby!
It’s Santa’s Little Helper, and basically everyone gets excited at the news. Well, except Patti and Selma who seem disappointed that Homer didn’t fail. Lisa declares that love at first sight is real while Bart adds that if he runs away he’ll be easy to catch. Marge adds a “God bless him” in her husband’s direction and tells him this is the best gift that he could possibly give them. Homer can only respond with “It is?” as Marge explains to him that it’s something to express their love. Lisa then asks what the dog’s name is and Homer says, “Number 8 – I mean, Santa’s Little Helper.” The picture gimmick is used for a third time to make a sort of Simpsons Christmas card that reads “Merry Christmas from The Simpsons” and I just love how even Grandpa looks thrilled about the dog.
It may be corny, but I do enjoy the Christmas card ending.
It’s not over though! As the credits roll, the family gathers around to sing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” with Grandpa at the piano. Maggie races back and forth on the back of the new family dog while everyone else sings. Bart, in a callback to how this thing started, does the school yard thing of interjecting comments between the verse. “You would even say it glows – like a light bulb!” This angers Homer, and even Lisa gets in on it. Marge tells Homer to take it away and solo the part of Santa Claus asking Rudolph to guide his sleigh, but Homer doesn’t know the words and makes them up, “Rudolph with your nose over here, so you can guide my sleigh…today.” Grandpa adds a disappointed “Oh Homer.” The song finishes with Bart trying to liken Rudolph to Attila the Hun, but he doesn’t finish the line due to his father strangling him, which we don’t actually see as it’s just a shot of the home’s exterior.
Even Patty and Selma look like they’re having a good time.
That’s how the very first Simpsons Christmas special, and very first episode overall, ends. It’s not just a Christmas Special, but a pretty monumental episode of television because The Simpsons has become such a cultural institution over the years. It’s pretty crazy that it all started here. Showrunner Al Jean has floated the idea of whenever it comes time to do a final episode that it should end where this one begins creating one big loop. That would be appropriate for a show that routinely ignores the passage of time and even changes the past to suit the current era. Homer and Marge began the show as baby boomers and are now considered millennials. I can recall being excited when I reached Bart’s age and now I’m Homer’s. That’s nuts!
As Christmas Specials go, this one borrows a little bit from Christmas Vacation. The patriarch, in this case Homer, wants the family to have a great Christmas, but when his company fails to pay out a bonus that’s become an expected part of his income each year it throws a wrench into everything. For Clark Griswald, it manifests as anxiety throughout the film until the big payoff. The problem is then righted by the bonus getting restored, and then some. For Homer, no such miracle occurs, but he at least falls ass backwards into an unwanted dog which serves as the family’s Christmas present that year. We don’t see the kids wake up to an empty tree on Christmas morning, but they can be assumed to have done so. Well, actually Bart got some paper and Maggie a chew toy which I suppose went to Santa’s Little Helper. It’s probably a good thing that the special ends where it does.
Maybe not a miracle, but this one worked out for the Simpsons thanks to this very good boy.
As an episode of The Simpsons, this very early episode contains some of the sarcastic elements we’d find in later seasons, but the pacing is definitely slower. Scene transitions are mostly of the fade in and fade out model and very little of what we see would be deemed outrageous. There are still plenty of hallmarks in place though that will remain so for the show’s duration. Homer tends to respond with violence towards his son and there’s never been any love lost between he and his sisters-in-law. Other stuff is changed though like Ned Flanders being more of a rival to just a true annoyance with a religious component. Principal Skinner is also a rather poor public speaker as he mixes up words and that was going to be a gimmick for him that was dropped. And obviously the overall look of the show has changed quite a bit over the years.
I do love all of the Season One oddities, like this lady with no nose seated behind Marge.
I do love this one, partly because I love The Simpsons, but also because it’s a relatable look at a lower middle class Christmas and how easy it is for the holiday to go wrong. I mentioned how it’s a bit surprising that the show is willing to essentially confirm that Santa isn’t real and that’s because the show became such a hit with children in the months that followed. And the show has never gone back on that either. While the show did avoid Christmas for years after this episode feeling they couldn’t really top it, when the show eventually got back into the Christmas Spirit the subject of Santa was never really addressed. Bart doesn’t see Santa as a way to get Bonestorm, we don’t see evidence of him being there and delivering a fire truck, and so on. And that’s fine, not every show need pander to the children, but it does cross my mind every time I watch this episode with my own kids who are still, just barely, in the believe zone.
If you would like to view this holiday classic this year then the easiest way to do so is via Disney+. The Simpsons is on-demand there and Disney even organizes all of the Christmas episodes in one spot. I believe the show also still airs on FXX or FX which will show all of the Christmas episodes this month. The episode is also part of the fist season which is available on DVD and usually for pretty cheap since it’s no one’s favorite season. There’s also an out of print Simpsons Christmas DVD out there that also usually isn’t too expensive. Society agrees that this one is a classic so getting it on your TV should be rather painless.
Can’t wait until tomorrow for more Christmas? Check out what we had to say on this day last year and beyond:
Alvin and the Chipmunks is one of the oldest, family-owned, pieces of intellectual property left in the world. And it might not be for much longer as the franchise is reportedly up-for-sale and has been since last year, but as-of this writing nothing has been agreed upon. The Chipmunks date back to the 1958 novelty…
For December 10, we are returning to the theme of this year which is to revisit the best of the best. When I originally ranked my favorite Christmas specials, I had the recently released It’s a SpongeBob Christmas! ranked at #19. The years have been kind to this throwback Christmas special as last year I…
Come the 1990s, the cartoon juggernaut known as Hanna-Barbera was fading. It’s said the company once had control of approximately 80% of the children’s programming on television and even come 1990 it was still around 20%. The studio’s last big hit had been The Smurfs which set all kinds of Saturday morning records despite few…
When two billion dollar organizations butt heads, it can be hard to know who to root for. Take Disney, somewhat of an “evil” overlord when it comes to content, which seemingly owns everything these days and likes to throw its weight around when it comes to copyright claims. And then there’s Fox, owned by the legitimately evil Rupert Murdoch, which bares responsibility for a lot of the political discourse and genuine cesspool that is right-wing media. Back in the late 80s though, perceptions were a little different. Disney had been scorned by years of bad box office returns on its animation only recently dusting itself off with the likes of The Little Mermaid. And Fox, that was the plucky, underdog, network trying to compete in an arena that was seemingly built only for three, but they were determined to make it one built for four! Few gave them a chance, but the Fox network carved out a niche for itself by targeting a younger demographic than the likes of CBS and NBC and they weren’t afraid to try new things or get a little blue.
We know today that Fox was pretty successful in creating a fourth major network for broadcast television. A lot of that success is attributed to The Simpsons and the teen dramas that followed like Beverly Hills 90210 and Fox Sports, which is still a titan in the sports world thanks to its contracts with the NFL and Major League Baseball. I would argue another important part of the rise of Fox was cornering the younger demographic via the Fox Kids Network. In some respects, it’s said the Fox Kids brand was born out of Disney pulling back DuckTales, a popular show for Fox affiliates to carry, in order to sell its new syndicated Disney Afternoon programming block. Rather than shell out a bunch of money to Disney for the right to air its shows, Fox went out and sought other programs. Some it would simply license, others it would fund, and the Fox Kids Network would eventually become the must see block of programming in the kid world every Saturday morning and week day afternoon. Why would I, an adolescent boy, want to spend my afternoons with the cutesy Disney characters when I could be watching Batman?! Fox definitely got my eyeballs and I basically only tuned to what Disney had to offer if Fox had nothing on which made it hard to keep up with shows like Darkwing Duck and Gargoyles, shows I admittedly liked, but not always enough to ignore what Fox was showing.
I guess you won’t forget what network you’re on.
One of Fox’s earliest cartoons was Fox’s Peter Pan & the Pirates. The show was originally going to be a CBS program, but once Disney got wind that another network was preparing a show based on Peter Pan they got litigious. Or at least, they threatened litigation since they had previously made the film Peter Pan and seemed to view the character as Disney property, despite never actually buying the work of author J.M. Barrie who purposely made sure to never sell the rights to a major corporation like Disney. Still, the mere threat of the House of Mouse lawyering up gave CBS pause ultimately deciding it wasn’t worth the effort to pursue. Enter Fox, who was still stinging by the removal of DuckTales from its networks and seemed to welcome Disney’s wrath. Oh they still tried to convince Fox it was a bad idea to pursue, but Fox essentially told them to pound sand. They would file suit, but eventually they withdrew it. Part of the suit was the accusation that Fox wasn’t allowing its affiliates to purchase the Disney Afternoon for air and was having the Fox Kids Network forced upon them. To try and save face, Disney would claim when withdrawing the suit that the Disney Afternoon had worked out fine for them and Fox had found similar success with its programming so both parties needn’t feel animosity towards the other. In reality, Peter Pan had fallen into the public domain and Disney didn’t have a leg to stand on. Just because many people associated the character with Disney and it’s 1953 film didn’t mean they owned it. And since the Fox cartoon contained characters that bore no resemblance to their counterparts in the Disney film, they were pretty safe.
Fox added it’s name to the title of the show either to exert its own dominance or to further make sure no one would think this show was a work of Disney’s. The Pan of this program (voiced by Jason Marsden) was decked out in earthy browns and sported a cape. Tinker Bell (Debi Derryberry) had butterfly wings and wasn’t a blond jerk like the Disney version and the Darling characters were different enough. Also sporting a much different look was the villainous Captain James Hook, voiced by the incomparable Tim Curry. Hook’s design was quite different from the slender, mustached, villain from the Disney film as he was now a barrel-chested, clean-shaven, powdered wig wearing behemoth of an antagonist for Pan. And just to keep things even more different, his hook was moved from his left hand to his right. As far as tellings of the same story go, the show couldn’t have been more different from Disney’s film and it received a 65 episode order and was a foundational piece for the Fox Kids Network.
It’s like a Charlie Brown tree, but for pirates.
I had little interaction with the show in my youth. Something about Peter Pan struck me as a bit lame and not something I had much interest in seeking out. It’s entirely possible the show ran up against a show I was already invested in, and while I was firmly in camp Fox Kids come the fall of 1992, I wasn’t quite there in 1990. I was definitely watching the Disney Afternoon and Peter Pan wasn’t going to pull me away at that point. I also have memories of the show airing weekday mornings when I didn’t watch television as I had to get ready for school, and since I wasn’t much of a morning person, I couldn’t even flirt with the idea of watching cartoons while eating breakfast. Most of my memories of this show are just ads for it. I likely also saw it as an imposter version of Peter Pan since Disney had convinced me and millions of other kids that their Pan was the real Pan. It was also around the same time that my parents had me watch a stage play re-telling of the story that aired on television and was just dreadful and something I hated every moment of. I had given Pan a shot outside of Disney once and felt burned, I wasn’t going to do it again. Well, not until the likes of Robin Williams and Steven Spielberg, anyway.
In the quest for more Christmas though, I was reminded that this show existed. During that lone run of 65 episodes was the episode “Hook’s Christmas.” Generally speaking, direct-to-syndication shows like this try to avoid holiday episodes since networks like to be able to just throw them on at anytime without consideration for something as annoying as a season. Fox apparently didn’t care though as many of their shows would delight in doing Halloween and Christmas episodes. I feel like I’ve looked at almost all of them at this point. A show that’s all about kids wanting to remain kids seems like a show that could do Christmas. Then again, I don’t know that Peter and his fellow lost boys are necessarily “Nice List” candidates, and there are no parents to play Santa in Neverland. I guess the staff on the show agreed since this episode centers on Captain Hook and is an adaptation of A Christmas Carol. I tend to avoid such fare like the plague, but my curiosity for this show outweighed my hatred for the trope. Did I miss out on a hidden gem? The possibility was there given the voice cast and the fact that TMS contributed animation to this show. It was not a cheap cartoon and I suppose that makes sense since Fox likely wanted to impress out of the gate. Plus, Disney was spending a lot of money on its animated programs and no one at Fox wanted to look inferior next to Disney, so let’s see what Fox’s Peter Pan & the Pirates has to offer.
Just a bunch of pirates having a festive sing-a-long.
The opening title for this one is a lyric-less piece set to clips from the show, the most boring of intros a cartoon can have, but the score isn’t bad. It sounds like a poor man’s John Williams. When the episode begins, we’re on the ship of one Captain Hook and the pirates are making merry. It’s Christmas Eve so there’s cause to be jolly. Unfortunately, they’re singing a rendition of the worst Christmas song ever written: “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” Now, since I didn’t watch this show growing up, I have to try to figure out who’s who among the gang of pirates. It would seem Gentlemen Ignatious P. Starkey (David Shaughnessy) is the one leading the crew in song. He has repurposed the song to make the captain the generous one handing out gifts on Christmas. It would seem he wants a new ship that’s bilge free? All of the versions of this episode that exist online have some audio degradation and deciphering song lyrics is not easy. Eucrates Cookson (Jack Angel) is playing an accordian while Smee (Ed Gilbert) is decorating a rather pathetic looking tree. They’re all chiming in with gifts for the other days, but they only manage to get to day 4 before Starkey has trouble remembering the lines.
No one is allowed to be merry when this guy is around.
It’s at that point Captain Hook makes his entrance. He towers over the lot as he heads down into the brig to reprimand his men for their joyful demeanors. Tim Curry practically snarls his lines, but maintains his rather dignified accent, making for a rather compelling character. His vocabulary is also impeccable and I rather like this depiction of the famed captain quite a bit. Starkey is literally shaking in his boots as Hook enters demanding to know why an irredeemable twit like him would have reason to be merry. When it’s suggested to him by the men that Christmas is the reason, Hook rejects the notion that the holiday is an excuse to behave like fools. I would say he’s angered by the suggestion, but he just seems plain angry all of the time so it’s hard to say just what ticks him off the most. He’s definitely channeling his inner Scrooge as he refers to Christmas as a “humbug,” which causes Smee to reply with, “But I thought it was a holiday?” He further illustrates his feelings on the matter by suggesting those who celebrate should be boiled in their own pudding and have a stake of holly shoved through their heart! This dude is vicious.
That’s not going to work, man.
Smee can’t take a hint as he asks if this means they won’t be exchanging gifts. Scrooge, I mean Hook, looks almost pained by this question, but rather than respond verbally he kicks over their makeshift tree and stomps on the reindeer ornament one of the pirates made. Hook storms off into his own quarters still seething at the fact that his men are just trying to use Christmas as a way to get out of a dishonest day’s work! He takes a seat at his harpsichord and goes to play something, apparently this is how he settles down when the world angers him, only the instrument begins to play by itself! And it’s playing “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” which has Hook looking all kinds of angry (it’s basically his only facial expression). A voice then calls out to him using his first name. It’s a woman’s voice, and Hook looks startled as he whirls around and even asks “Mother?” How sweet? An apparition comes floating in baring the resemblance of Wendy Darling (Christina Lange) which actually excites Hook. He declares he’ll capture her which is surely to rile up that Peter Pan fellow. Unfortunately for Hook, this is basically not-Wendy, but the Ghost of Christmas Past. You know how this is going to go from here. Hook tries to dismiss her as some sort of product of indigestion and even declares he doesn’t believe in her, like that will make her go away.
Never ask a man to choose between love and being a pirate.
It won’t. The Wendy ghost takes Hook back in time to another version of the Jolly Roger. Or maybe just a ship that looks like it. A gang of pirates has recently overtaken this UK vessel and hoisted their own flag. Their leader? A pirate named Jasper – Jasper Hook! A voice calls out to him from offscreen and we see it belongs to a young James Hook. The two brothers clasp hands to draw attention to the lack of a hook as Jasper pulls him aboard and they’re positively giddy about this score. At least that is, until James sees who this ship belonged to. It’s a woman named Cecilia (sounds like Lange) whom James is betrothed to. Present Hook seems a bit wary of watching how this plays out. Through their conversation we find out she was under the impression that James was a merchant, but it’s the life of a buccaneer that he’s chosen instead. He thinks this changes nothing between the two, but Cecilia begs to differ with tears in her eyes. James can’t be bothered and has the men haul her away like a prisoner. Captain James Hook, who has been watching alongside the Ghost of Christmas Past, questions why she means to torment him so? He demands she take him back to his ship, but she informs him they have one more “shadow” to visit first.
You dare pay the future Captain Hook as much as the rest of the crew?!
Past snaps her fingers and we’re whisked away to the interior of a pirate ship. If it’s the same one, I don’t know, but it is following a score as Jasper is handing out gold from a chest to each crew member. When he goes to give James his cut, the younger Hook balks for his brother is giving him the same as everyone else. Jasper reminds him who the captain is, but James declares that maybe it’s time for a new captain. Drawing his sword, with his right hand mind you, he challenges his brother who seems angered by this disloyalty. The two start clanging swords and end up back on the deck. The elder Hook, fighting with sword and dagger, disarms his brother and his sword winds up stuck near the top of the mast. He tells James to surrender and he’ll spare his life, but James refuses and instead climbs up the mast to retrieve his sword.
Sword fights seem to always end up way up here when it comes to pirates.
Now the two brothers are battling atop the sail, which seems like the most dangerous place to have a sword fight on a pirate ship. It looks cool though, and now it’s James’ turn to disarm his brother. He informs the captain that, unfortunately, he does not believe in taking prisoners and declines to extend the same offer to his brother that he just made him. Jasper isn’t about to let himself be cut down and instead makes a jump for it by grabbing on one of the ropes affixed to the sail. He is able to get down to the deck and retrieve his sword, but James is in hot pursuit. He takes a mighty cut at his brother which shatters his sword. Jasper, backpedaling, gets his feet tangled in some rope left on the deck and falls onto his rear. As James approaches, he has a wicked grin upon his face and his sword held high as his brother looks up at him with a terrified expression.
Time for ghost #2.
Before we can see the gruesome aftermath of this confrontation, Hook demands the spirit cease this vision. He then wakes up in his chair in a sweat with a look of distress upon his face that is soon replaced with his usual, grumpy, demeanor. He apparently believes that he did indeed see the past via the magic of some sort of spectre for he calls out to her in defiance. He taunts her by asking aloud if she thought she could really stir feelings of guilt and remorse within him over, as he terms it, relieving his brother of his eye. Apparently, he did not kill his brother that day, only maimed him. He takes a seat at his desk and begins to question if he really did see what he saw. As he settles down to read from a book, the voice of Smee calls out to him. This only further irritates Hook, who turns his head and sees a ghost version of his first mate. He correctly deduces that this is not really Smee, but another apparition, and the ghost confirms that he is indeed the Ghost of Christmas Present causing Hook to question if he is forever to be bedeviled by Christmas. Smee, which we’ll just refer to the ghost as such to make it easier, tells Hook that Christmas normally doesn’t concern itself with a villain such as he which enrages Hook for some reason as he shouts “blast your incorporeal hide!” The writing for Hook is just phenomenol. I normally am far too charmed by old VHS recordings to care much for quality, but in this case, I wish the audio quality were better on my source so I could properly make out every word this show has Tim Curry spit out. He is fantastic.
Hey! Did you know this is a show about Peter Pan?!
Smee informs the captain that he’ll be coming with him and blows a whistle of some kind to whisk the pair away. They’re in a lovely glen and in the center of which is an enormous Christmas tree. Children are singing “Deck the Halls” and it’s quickly revealed that this tree belongs to Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. The children finish their song and we see Tinker Bell come flying in to apparently take on the role of a star atop the tree which will surely get old fast for the fairy. Smee and Hook then come into view and Hook seems more than a little irritated to have been brought here by this “woebegone wraith.” Smee tells him that he just wanted to show Hook how the Neverland-lubbers celebrate Christmas. Hook is positively annoyed and basically calls Smee an idiot declaring he has no appetite for seeing how the unwashed celebrate the holiday. His utter disdain for everything is truly impressive.
I wasn’t expecting snow in this one.
Hook expresses his irritations with ghost Smee, and while the two converse I noticed a curiosity. I watched multiple versions of this episode, and in some the background changes to what’s coming in the next scene while in others it remains consistent. It would seem they had an issue and must have actually paid to have it fixed for rebroadcast. Anyway, we pivot to Wendy and Peter having a conversation about the decor. She thinks something is missing and Peter soon realizes it’s snow, but he also seems to have forgotten what snow is (this forgetfulness is foreshadowing something to come). Tinker Bell (Debi Derryberry) remarks how humans have such short memories before tossing some pixie dust all over the place which makes it snow. The top of the tree also still features a glowing orb so maybe Tink just cast some sort of spell to create a makeshift star? Snow soon collects on the tree and the kids are happy. Pan even nails John with a snowball who is happy to fight back. Hook has seen enough and demands that Smee evacuate him from the area, but not before he gets his bearings so that he may return to the lair of Pan and raze it to the ground! Smee informs him he will be doing no such thing and instead toots his whistle again.
A toast to Captain Hook!
Now we’re in the lair of Pan and The Lost Boys and they’re all preparing for a Christmas feast. A platter appears via Tinker Bell’s magic upon the table and the kids are all excited. It looks like they eat real food and not junk food as seen in the film Hook. When Wendy lifts the lid on the dish the kids are dismayed to find a single acorn. If you think this is a Tiny Tim situation you would be mistaken as Tinker Bell informs them it was just a little holiday jest and quickly magics up a turkey. Before the kids can dig in though, Wendy says they should offer up a toast. Peter is in agreement and toasts to…himself. He quickly adds “And everyone else,” rather awkwardly, but the others seem to pay it no mind. I’m guessing they’re used to this sort of thing out of Pan. Michael (Whit Hertford) then questions if he really means everyone and specifically mentions Captain Hook. Wendy comes over to confirm that even Hook is deserving of such a toast. Pan snorts and remarks that if Hook were there he’d cut off his other hand and give it to him as a Christmas present. How violent! Wendy scolds him for his boast and Pan reluctantly concedes that she’s right. He stands up and gives a somewhat half-hearted toast to Captain Hook which the other kids share in.
No matter who is Captain Hook, it would seem Smee always gets the worst of it.
Hook then questions what’s the point of all this? Smee informs him that he just wants to show him that even bitter enemies lay down their arms on Christmas. Hook indicates he has no stomach for this “sentimental tripe,” which Smee says is unfortunate because he has more to show him. We’re then taken to the bowels of the Jolly Roger where the rest of the crew resides. The pirates are still sore from how Hook treated them and they seem to be ready to mutiny over it. As they draw their weapons, it’s Smee who pops in to declare they’ll be doing it over his dead body. He starts clashing swords with Mullins (Jack Angel) and tries to defend his captain’s honor. Hook remarks to the ghost Smee that he intends to put these jackanapes in their place, but the ghost tells him that’s not why he chose to show him this. Suddenly, the material version of Hook comes swaddling in demanding to know what’s going on. Smee informs him it’s a mutiny and Hook misunderstands him and seemingly thinks that Smee is declaring a mutiny, not trying to stop one. He picks Smee up by his shirt utilizing his hook while the little guy tries to tell him he had his best interests at heart. Hook puts him down seemingly understanding, only to double-down on his accusations by demanding Mullins chain Smee and toss him in the brig. As the first mate is hauled away he tells him this will be his last Christmas! This is really clumsy considering this is supposed to be the present, but it features Hook! Why didn’t we see this earlier?
“So brother, you’re looking well these days.”
Hook, the viewing Hook, is politely reprimanded by ghost Smee for his misjudgement. Hook seems unphased and remarks that Smee should basically be killed on principal anyway. The ghost, seemingly admitting defeat, informs Hook he’ll be returning him to his ship now. Hook then materializes outside his cabin door and is immediately sent into a rage for he can hear someone playing his harpsichord inside his chambers! He smashes down the door, which was a really lovely piece that will now have to be replaced, and barges in demanding to know who possesses the temerity to play the harpsichord of Captain James Hook! Why, it’s his brother Jasper now acting as the Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come. Hook has apparently still not grasped the situation for he mistakes the ghost for his actual brother and attempts to cut him down with his blade only for it to pass harmlessly right through him. The ghost, sporting an eye patch as the real Jasper must, smiles wickedly at Hook and informs him who he really is, and isn’t. Hook sarcastically asks him of what concern is all of this to him only for the spirit to float above him and angrily call out his misdeeds. He’s lied to his loved ones, betrayed his own flesh and blood, and condemned the one man who showed him loyalty. Flipping up the patch over his eye, the spirit promises to show Hook the bitter harvest yet to come.
Upon seeing his ship in ruins, Hook reacts like a dad who just found out his kid snuck out in his sports car and nailed a fire hydrant.
We’re taken to the wreckage of a ship I assume to be Hook’s Jolly Roger. It is indeed his as he immediately starts ranting and raving about the condition of his ship. We then see Mullins stealing food from Cookson as the two emerge from a cave with the captain nowhere to be found. Hook is displeased by this showing, but the spirit has more to share. He flips up his patch and we’re transported to a swampy lagoon. A disheveled and seemingly delirious Smee is walking through the ankle deep water carrying something under his arm and shouting out to his captain not to worry for he’s coming. He approaches a large, hollowed out tree and declares “There ya be captain, a fresh covering of moss for yee,” revealing that the garbage under his arm is apparently a bunch of moss. The ghostly Hook is confused by this and declares he’d retire to Bedlam before he’d let someone like Smee take care of him. Still refusing to realize what story he’s in, we watch as Smee goes to enter the tree only for the shadow of Peter Pan to pass over him. He runs calling out a warning to his captain as he disappears into the tree, but the somewhat sullen Pan doesn’t seem like he’s here for a fight.
Aww, Peter misses Captain Hook.
It’s at this point that Hook utters a version of the famous line asking the spirit “Are these the shadows of the things that will be, or are they the shadows of the things that maybe?” The spirit ignores the question and instead points out to Hook to gaze upon his final resting place. The captain looks a tad frightened as he beholds his unmarked grave which Peter Pan has knelt beside. The spirit refers to it as unmarked, but the grave is indeed marked by the presence of his famous hook on a stick of some sort, he just doesn’t get a tombstone. Peter then pulls out his dagger and remarks he has no need of it now. He seems a bit sad as he’s clearly lost his purpose in life without his adversary and ponders if he should finally grow up and leave Neverland. Now this puts a smile on Hook’s face as he declares this perfect! He laughs heartily and declares that in death he has finally defeated Peter Pan! The spirit then cautions him not to act so hastily and flips up his eyepatch once again.
Here comes the meltdown.
Now we’re transported to a more colorful and bright setting. The Lost Boys are seated by the edge of some trees until Peter Pan comes soaring in. He excitedly calls out to them to “Look what I found!” It’s the hook of one Captain Hook, and Peter acts like he has no idea where it came from, but now they can play pirates! The boys fly off with Peter Pan declaring that he’ll be the pirate leader: Captain Claw! Hook is bewildered at the sight and the spirit is happily able to inform him that the kids quickly forgot all about him once he was dead. This basically destroys Hook who falls to his knees and starts raking the earth with his hook hand. Crying out, “Hear me brother: I am not the man I was! I will change! I swear it! I swear it!”
It’s celebration time, men! Debauchery, murder, looting, you name it!
As he cries out, we transition back to Hook’s quarters and find him raking his hook hand over his mattress essentially destroying it in the process. He soon realizes that he’s back in his room, and even his door is intact! He calls out for Mullins who enters immediately for the captain to ask him to confirm what day is it? “Why, it’s Christmas, sir!” he replies on cue. Hook declares this excellent and orders him to assemble the men on the deck immediately. This also comes with an order to release Smee from the brig. Once everyone is gathered on the deck, Hook informs the men that he’s changed his mind that they will observe the Christmas holiday after all. The men are dumbstruck with Starkey remarking the captain has lost his senses. Hook corrects him to say he has not lost his senses, but rather found them. He then orders the men to arm themselves as he dumps a pile of weapons on the deck and informs them that they will be going ashore to celebrate Christmas with a raid on Peter Pan!
Merry Christmas, indeed.
Hook, with his arms outstretched, then clarifies what has taken place. He says he swore he’d change, and he will, for the worse! “I’ll redouble my attacks on Pan. I’ll triple them!” It’s hard to make out precisely what he says following that, but he basically declares that Peter Pan will never forget the name of Captain James Hook! He then cries out “Merry Christmas, Peter Pan,” as his cape bellows menacingly in the wind, “and prepare to meet thy doom!” He then walks off laughing his evil laugh which is the lasting image for this holiday affair.
“Hook’s Christmas” is not a very interesting episode as it relates to Christmas. It adapts what some may call a tried-and-true Christmas staple, but what many would also just call a tired plot. A Christmas Carol is beyond overdone and it was in the early 90s just as it was today. This one does have a bit of a wrinkle in that it’s Scrooge character, one Captain James Hook, is truly irredeemable. There’s no changing who he is. Sure, many a villainous character have had their Christmases interrupted by a gang of spirits and it was enough for them to at least do one nice thing, but not Hook! It has the opposite effect, which is really the only outcome that could have come of this since he’s quite clearly an evil man and there are many more episodes to follow. They could have had him just be a little nice to his crew and let that be it, but I do like that the writers on this one wanted none of that and fully held onto this characterization of Hook.
For regular viewers, it was probably fun to see a young Hook and his brother in this one.
That’s not enough to rescue the plot from this droll retelling, but the depiction of Captain Hook just might be. I was totally smitten with this take on the character by Tim Curry. He is wonderfully written with just a delicious vocabulary. This is not some rough and tough pirate covered in grime and ill-spoken. This Hook is dignified and above everyone else in his mind. He carries himself like royalty and he’s clearly well-educated. He’s just vile and despicable and he loves that about himself. Curry is just absolutely wonderful in the role and I hung on every word he said. Adapting A Christmas Carol may not have been the soundest decision this show made, but putting an entire episode on Hook’s shoulders absolutely was. Combining the performance with the twist ending basically does the impossible: I was entertained by A Christmas Carol. I mean, the classic story is fine and entertaining on its own, but I can’t think of many episodes of television that went in this direction and actually succeeded. Years ago, I somewhat praisedThe Real Ghostbusters for putting their own spin on the tale, but I still wouldn’t call that episode good and it’s not something I ever return to. And I’m not saying I’m ever going to return to “Hook’s Christmas” either, but I may consider it. If I had any nostalgic attachment to the show it’s from then I probably would, but lacking that, it’s more just a fun little diamond in the rough one discovers when doing such an exercise as this and I’m feeling satisfied. Usually, most of the uncovered Christmas episodes I come across leave me feeling the opposite.
It’s a shame this performance isn’t more celebrated than it is. Tim Curry is my Captain Hook.
If you wish to view Fox’s Peter Pan & the Pirates you sadly have few options. Remember that whole story to begin this about Disney not wanting this show to exist? Yeah, well, now they own it. Disney acquired this alongside a whole bunch of other Fox properties years ago with the acquisition of Fox Kids Worldwide. Disney has released some of those shows on DVD and licensed others for streaming, but not this one (aside from a select few episodes in the UK) and they likely never will. They would fear that consumers would think this ties into their own take on Peter Pan even with the title being what it is. And it’s a shame, because if nothing else the show appears to have some solid animation. This particular episode wasn’t impressive in that regard, but other clips I’ve seen look quite nice. And people are missing out on this fantastic version of Captain Hook. I don’t know if the show itself is really worth watching, but it would be nice if it were available for those who did grow up watching it or who are just curious. The only good thing is that Disney doesn’t seem at all interested in enforcing its trademark here so the show can be found scattered across the internet in varying states of quality. You don’t have to look hard, though you will if you want to find the best quality version possible. As you can tell by the images in this post, I had trouble doing just that (the best I found was on the channel Cartoon Archive), but what I did find was certainly watchable. It’s just a shame most cut out the commercials.
Can’t wait until tomorrow for more Christmas? Check out what we had to say on this day last year and beyond:
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Today, The Christmas Spot temporarily alters it’s name to The X-Mas Spot. As a sort-of celebration for the animated series X-Men turning 30 this past Halloween we’re going to look at the show’s lone holiday special – “Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas.” The show X-Men was a pretty serious affair as far as kid shows go. It wasn’t very jokey or gimmicky and it technically didn’t even have a tie-in toy line. Sure, ToyBiz had an X-Men line of figures, but it was technically a tie-in with the comic book. The show undoubtedly influenced the line, there was a Morph figure after all, but the point is this wasn’t a show that went for the cheap hits so when a Christmas special was announced during the holiday season of 1995 I was pretty damn surprised.
Why does a show like X-Men then feature a holiday special? As is the answer to most things that seem unexplainable from afar when it comes to television – it was the network. Fox wanted a Christmas special from the show so it delivered one. It’s not a fan favorite and writer/showrunner Eric Lewald basically admits they made it intentionally campy to reflect other cheesy Christmas episodes of popular shows. They even got in a “Not on Christmas!” line into it. The episode is what it is, a shoe-horned concept into a show that probably shouldn’t feature such an episode, but perhaps there is still some value here. Besides, who doesn’t want to spend Christmas with Wolverine?
This is the story of Jubilee’s first X-Mas with the X-Men, which means it probably shouldn’t be assumed that we’ve been watching their lives unfold in a linear fashion or else they’ve had one hell of a year.
The episode begins at the home of the X-Men. Cyclops (Norm Spencer), Rogue (Lenore Zann), and Jubilee (Alyson Court) are decorating a massive tree in the mansion’s foyer. As they do, they’re joyously singing “Deck the Halls” and Cyclops sounds particularly awful, but seemingly intentionally so as he calls attention to his bad singing and suggests the other two carry on without him. Brooding off by the fireplace is old Wolverine (Cal Dodd) who predictably wants nothing to do with the holiday festivities despite the insistence of Jubilee for him to do so. It’s her first Christmas with the X-Men, which would seem all of the events up until now that have occurred in the show have taken place within a year, and she seems a little hurt that Wolverine won’t participate, but Rogue is here to reassure her and even lifts her up to the top of the tree to put the star in place.
Gambit is apparently impervious to boiling water.
Off in the kitchen, Jean (Catherine Disher) is preparing a Christmas dinner, but she has to contend with Gambit (Chris Potter). Despite her being the appointed chef, Gambit is sporting an apron and togue and appears to view himself on equal footing here. He rudely inquires what she’s preparing and Jean angrily retorts “It’s called food, Gambit. Normal, Christmas food.” Gambit, being from Louisiana and a connoisseur of cajun cuisine, seems to disagree strongly with whatever is boiling in a pot. When he goes for some seasoning, Jean uses her telekinetic powers to keep the spice on the counter despite how hard Gambit pulls on it. She also adds “The day that I need your help in the kitchen is the day that I stop cooking!” It’s a fine line, but Wolverine just used a similar one on Jubilee (“The day that I sing “Jingle Bells” is the day pigs fly”) so it’s a little redundant. She releases her psychic hold on the seasoning sending Gambit tumbling into the stove. He falls on his rear and the pot of water that was boiling lands on him, but seemingly does no harm. Jean gets a little laugh out of this while Gambit still insists she knows nothing about cooking a proper Christmas dinner.
In the lab, Beast (George Buza) is suspended from the ceiling mixing something in a beaker. It turns from red to green while Beast recites a poem by a “Sir Walter” that sounds festive enough. I only know the poem’s author because when Beasts tastes his “goo” he declares it worthy of the poem though he’s sure to point out this concoction is non-alcoholic (wouldn’t want the kids to think otherwise). We then cut to Professor X (Cedric Smith) and Storm (Alison Sealy-Smith) watching the goings on via the security monitors. It’s a bit creepy, but I guess someone is always watching these things for security reasons. Xavier notes that Storm seems a little blue and she remarks that seeing Jubilee makes her reflect on her own childhood. She grew up poor on the streets of Cairo, in case you were wondering as they don’t have time to discuss it further since alarms start blaring. Xavier thinks they’re under attack and Storm gets the first very, sweaty, Christmas special line “Could we be under attack – on Christmas Eve?!”
Beast is always so festive.
Cyclops receives a transmission about the alarm via his usual belt insignia. The “X” on everyone’s belts in this show were like two-way radios. The funny thing here is that Cyclops is not wearing his field uniform so rather than pressing a button on his chest he’s just touching his shirt. The X-Men race to the alarm’s origin which turns out to be Beast’s lab. They bust in only to find Beast in the process of shutting down the alarm. He’s covered in a red sauce and when Cyclops asks if he’s okay he indicates that he is, but his cranberry glaze is not. Wolverine is the last to arrive and he’s disappointed they weren’t under attack. He decides he’s had enough of this Christmas stuff and indicates he intends to go somewhere else for a bit. Jubilee then asks him if he’ll go shopping with her and Storm and Wolverine is right to point out how terrible shopping on Christmas Eve sounds. He makes a lame joke about having better luck fighting Sabretooth, but Jubilee does the whole “Please? For me?” and Wolverine responds with “Turn it off, kid.”
I’m going to have to agree with Wolverine here, the mall on Christmas Eve is something to be avoided.
Despite all of that, Wolverine does indeed accompany Jubilee and Storm to the mall against his better judgement. We see them walking around a department store and Jubilee’s face is hidden by the amount of boxes in her arms. She’s trying to talk to both Storm and Wolverine, but can’t see, and Wolverine kindly removes the top box so she can do so. She thanks him for coming and he gives her a “Don’t mention it,” but also reiterates his desire to leave. Jubilee is pretty amped up for Christmas, but also worried she’s not doing it right as she reminds us again that she’s never had a Christmas with a family before. Storm is reassuring, and as the trio makes their way out Wolverine is accosted by a sales woman pitching cologne. She sprays it in Wolverine’s face and informs him it’s sure to make women act like animals (rather risqué for a kid’s show), but Wolverine informs her he’s about to turn into an animal before Storm intercedes.
I feel like we’re missing a conversation here: How did Jubilee convince Wolverine to go ice skating?
Storm gestures towards freedom and encourages Wolverine to make a break for it. He does looking almost feral in the process. We then shift to an outdoor scene and the crew is doing some ice skating presumably at Rockefeller Center. Storm is watching from a bench as Jubilee and Wolverine skate. Jubilee tries to get Wolverine to cheer up and encourages him to have fun, but he just tells her she wouldn’t want to know what he finds fun. He then hears some sirens and goes on alert, but since Jubilee doesn’t have a super sense of hearing she dismisses him at first until Storm hears them as well.
Ape (left) can basically turn himself or his limbs into whatever he can come up with, but often his imagination seems to be lacking.
An ambulance comes crashing onto the ice and we soon see it’s being driven by Morlocks. Ape (Ross Petty) and Annalee (Kay Tremblay) emerge from the ambulance and start taking supplies from it. Wolverine comes skating up ready for a fight and calls their actions low by their standards. He grabs Ape, who had transformed his hands into paddles that look like duck feet to carry supplies. I feel like he could have morphed them into something far more useful. Anyway, Wolverine is ready for a fight, but Storm arrives and brings a blizzard with her to conceal their actions. Annalee informs her that they’re taking supplies to help Leech, a juvenile Morlock who is apparently very sick. They didn’t know what to do as they already tried a hospital, but they couldn’t care for the mutant boy. She takes this opportunity to also remind Storm that she is the leader of the Morlocks, something established way back in season one of the show, and that she’s never around when they need her. Storm agrees to help them and she uses her powers to thwart the approaching police and to provide cover for their escape. Wolverine indicates he’s not helping sewer rats, while Jubilee is worried about her presents. Storm tells the child to leave them, but she scoops them up anyway before following.
Callisto (left) and Storm have to set aside their differences for poor Leech who is afflicted with a severe case of plot sickness.
We then see the group walking through ankle deep water in the sewer. It would seem Wolverine decided to join them after all while Jubilee is worried that they’re supposed to be home in an hour for Christmas dinner. When they arrive at Leech, Callisto (Susan Roman) is there to “welcome” them. She gives Storm a bunch of sass for not being around when they need her which gets Wolverine riled up, but Storm tells him to back off as she seemingly accepts the criticism. She does inform Callisto that they can settle their differences later, for right now Leech needs their full attention. As for the child, he’s laying on a table under a blanket apparently unconscious. Storm, citing Wolverine’s experience with field medicine, instructs him to prep the child as she wants to take him to Beast. Wolverine walks over and checks the kid’s pulse and just says, “Uh oh…”
I think this is Marianna’s only appearance in the show.
Seated against the wall, Jubilee watches with concern on her face. She soon hears something behind her and it turns out to be a small, Morlock, girl who bares a strong resemblance to Leech. Jubilee greets the little, green, girl who then emerges from the shadows to come sit with Jubilee. Meanwhile, Callisto is frustrated that Wolverine isn’t preparing Leech for transport and grabs Storm insisting she order him to do something. Storm fights back until Wolverine shouts “Shut up!” at both of them. He then delivers the bad news that Leech isn’t going anywhere. His pulse is dropping too fast and there’s no way he would survive the trip back to the mansion. This leaves Jubilee to get another sweaty Christmas special line in of, “No, he can’t! Not today! It’s Christmas Eve!” as she hugs the small girl and we pan to a tiny, Morlock, Christmas tree that basically looks like Charlie Brown’s tree, only the lone ornament is broken.
Wolverine apparently has some PTSD in his past related to trying to heal people with his own blood.
As the adults discuss what to do, it’s Jubilee who says “Please Wolverine! You’re so good at healing yourself, can’t you help Leech?” Storm seems to like this train of thought and inquires with Wolverine about a blood transfusion. He refuses, while the others persist. Storm thinks it’s because Wolverine hates the Morlocks, but he shouts back at her “Don’t you think I want to help the kid?!” He then explains he’s tried it before and it didn’t work. It was a group of 20 individuals and the last one to die was a kid younger than Leech. Still, when Storm initially asked he said “Maybe” to it working and Wolverine explains it did work once and the large group was the second time he attempted the feat. He doesn’t know why it worked once, but not again, and seems reluctant to try it here.
It turns out, Wolverine isn’t racist, he just doesn’t want to see another kid die!
Storm doesn’t really care and asks Ape if he acquired a transfusion kit from the ambulance. He just looks at her in confusion and she tells him to never mind. She finds what she’s looking for amongst the supplies and informs the others that she’ll contact the mansion to have Rogue fly Beast to them. As she does she hands the transfusion kit to Wolverine and tells him he knows what he must do. He angrily responds “You don’t know what you’re asking,” and she snaps back, “I am asking you to show the courage needed to save a child’s life!” “He wouldn’t be dyin’ if you looked after these people!” Woo! There’s some dramatic stuff right here! Wolverine’s words appear to cut Storm deep which calms her down.
The moment Ape has waited his whole life for!
Storm concedes Wolverine’s point, but then calmly tells him that even if the odds are one in a thousand, he needs to try. She tops it off with a “Ask yourself, if he were your child, would you refuse?” Wolverine just looks at the kit in his hands and the scene cuts back to Storm’s face, but it’s clearly just a single cel that they’re holding on and it looks pretty goofy. I wonder if the episode came in short and they had to find cheap ways to extend it? It cuts back to Wolverine who just silently shakes his head indicating that he wouldn’t refuse if the situation was different. Storm just says, “Good,” then tells Ape that Wolverine needs a flat surface beside Leech to lie on. You would think this is a command to get a table or something, but no. Ape walks over and turns himself into a table for Wolverine to lie one! Were they planning to eat Christmas dinner off of the guy too?
All right, I need to know more about larva guy over here. Does he do anything or does he just look like that worm that creates Slurm?
Over by the wall, the little Morlock girl asks Jubilee if Leech will be okay? Jubilee responds with a question of her own and in the process we find out the little girl’s name is Marianna (her voice is uncredited, but it’s presumably from the main cast). She asks her if she believes in miracles, but Marianna has no idea what a miracle is. Jubilee tries to sniff back some tears and holds the girl close telling her “Maybe in a little while, we’ll see.”
Good thing Cyclops is here to use his powers to make sure the stalk of celery Jean threw at Gambit didn’t connect. This is the most danger anyone on the X-Men is put into during this episode. Well, Storm and Jubilee are probably in danger of catching something walking around in a sewer.
At the snowy mansion, Jean and Gambit continue their kitchen feud. Gambit apparently did something to the ham and Jean is not happy. She demands Gambit’s removal from her kitchen and in the process refers to him as a swamp rat. Cyclops thinks they’re both acting like children, but before things can get any worse, Professor X enters to inform them of the emergency in the Morlock tunnels. Lucky for him, Rogue already ditched the holiday attire and is in her normal X-Men uniform and ready for action.
This is basically Charlie Brown’s tree, only it’s one that doesn’t magically become full and beautiful once decorated.
Back in the sewers, the transfusion has begun and the rest can only look on while Wolverine urges Leech to pull through. Marianna is still rather cheerful and asks Jubilee if Leech is better yet. She wants to show Jubilee their Christmas tree and takes her over to the pathetic, little, tree which is using a tin can as a tree stand. She’s proud of it though since Leech found it and Jubilee calls it the most beautiful tree she’s ever seen. Marianna then takes Jubilee to their Christmas feast and wants Jubilee to partake. It’s some kind of stew and probably smells awful. Marianna assures Jubilee she can have some of hers as she really wants Jubilee to share the experience. Storm them enters and Jubilee asks about Leech, but it’s too soon to tell. She then asks Storm how the Morlocks can go on having so little and she gets a little dose of Christmas wisdom. Storm tells her they have each other and that’s all they need to feel loved. She tops it off with another one, “As long as you are part of a caring family, every day is Christmas!”
Beast, I don’t think you’re using that properly.
Over by Leech, Callisto is growing impatient and Wolverine has had enough. He angrily rises from his “table” and rips the IV out of his arm defiantly shouting “I told you it wouldn’t work!” Storm tries to calm him down, but before she can Rogue and Beast arrive. Wolverine tells Beast he’s got to work fast and the blue one heads for the patient. For some reason, Leech is now fully clothed and not under a blanket and apparently the animation budget wasn’t high enough to have Beast check the kid’s vitals in a logical manner so he just starts running a stethoscope over the kid’s jacket. As he does so, he explains that Wolverine’s powers are not something that modern, medical, science understands and he doesn’t know what the end result will be.
This kid probably just thinks Jubilee cries all the time at this point.
As Callisto uselessly demands that Beast “Do something,” he continues to examine the child while Wolverine can’t bare to watch. Leech’s eyes soon flutter though, and we get a shot from his point of view as he focuses on Beast. He lets out a cry of surprise which causes Beast to laugh as he notes he doesn’t have the most reassuring of faces. This whole time, Leech has been depicted with yellow eyes and I have to assume it was an error since we see he has eyelids for his waking up shot. Or, it’s not an error and they just decided to give him eyelids for that one shot to make it more obvious that he was waking up. Jubilee is sobbing with Marianna in her arms and tells the girl that Leech is okay and she just matter-of-factly responds with “Of course he is!”
Leech is all better and seemingly over his fear of Beast. Hooray!
Storm then demands Callisto hand over the ceremonial scepter of power. She’s reluctant to, but Storm asserts her authority as leader of the Morlocks and offers no explanation. She then forces the woman to kneel before her, which she probably enjoys humiliating her one last time before announcing she’s transferring her title as leader back to Callisto. Callisto says nothing but rises and takes the scepter. Wolverine then strolls over to break the ice and asks what a guy’s gotta do to get some orange juice and a cookie around here? Leech (John Stocker), who is seated in the large arm of Beast, then announces he’s hungry too which produces a laugh out of Beast who then prescribes food for the patient. Wolverine then thanks Leech “for making it,” while Storm offers her apologies to Wolverine for not treating him with the same compassion he showed Leech, adding that she should have known better than to question his heart.
She’s just handing over a few gifts, Storm, let’s not turn this into something bigger than it really is.
Callisto announces that all X-Men are welcomed to join them for Christmas dinner, though adding they don’t have much to offer. Jubilee then announces that most of the presents she’s been dragging along contain food and offers those. Storm double-checks that she’s all right with doing so since it meant a lot to her to give these gifts out back at the mansion, but she’s totally cool with it because she learned her important, Christmas, lesson. She then encourages the kids, Leech and Marianna, to help her open them.
All right, I have some questions. Number one, which member of the X-Men was in-line to get a toy plane for Christmas?!
Jubilee then gets the customary “You have done something noble,” from Storm acknowledging her Christmas lesson, even though her act of nobility is just giving stuff away. She lives in a freakin’ mansion, for crying out loud. She gives Wolverine a hug as she says “I learned from the best,” and he gives her a reassuring pat on the back and a “You’re a good kid.” Beast then summarizes the events of today by reminding us this wasn’t the Christmas Jubilee had envisioned, but it will be a memorable one. Rogue gets to have a little chuckle here adding “So will a couple of cooks I know.”
Jean is enjoying this. I’m surprised they can’t still eat some of the dinner since there’s still 4 of them there, but Jean probably refuses and I’m guessing Cyclops is in the doghouse if he partakes in Gambit’s meal. Xavier is wise to stay out of it as well.
We cut back to the mansion where Jean has seemingly ceded control of the kitchen to Gambit who has prepared what he feels is a flawless Christmas dinner. Word comes down that the others are having Christmas dinner with the Morlocks, and Gambit does not take the news well that the whole crew won’t be getting together for Christmas dinner. Jean gets to suggest that they can heat it up tomorrow which just irritates the cook further. Gambit retorts in the third person with “Gambit does not make TV dinners!”
Oh no! He’s melting!
By the fire, we see Xavier taking a phone call from Jubilee who is concerned that he’d feel hurt that they’re not spending Christmas together. Xavier assures her that’s not the case, and while their presence will be missed, he’s proud of their actions today. He even refers to her action as a “generous sacrifice,” which seems to be quite the exaggeration here! He tacks on a whole thing about how she’s giving him the best gift of all by acting like a true X-Man in recognizing that she is where she’s needed most. We pan outside the mansion to the giant tree out front where the camera holds and the message “Merry Christmas from all the X-Men” appears to announce that this one is over.
Wolverine wished me a merry Christmas, you guys!
In the intro, I mentioned how out of place it felt for a show like X-Men to do a Christmas special. Now that it’s over, I don’t feel any different, but I do have to commend the show for just going for it. It’s a very dramatic show with a lot of heavy-handed line readings and this episode is no different. Except that this one gets to play with the overly dramatic Christmas special motif we’ve seen in other shows. It almost feels like an episode of Full House as a result, only with mutants, and it takes place mostly in a sewer. It has all of the usual holiday staples though in that we have a character excited for Christmas and the pageantry that accompanies it. Jubilee isn’t portrayed as a selfish child, but she is consumed by the act of Christmas and not its message, but it comes from a healthy place as she reminds us more than once she’s never really had a traditional, Christmas, experience. And she’s forced to adjust on the fly to her first Christmas with a family changing its setting, and even some of its participants.
Wolverine’s heart grew three sizes that day…
We also get the tried and true “some kid is sick at Christmas and needs a Christmas miracle to survive” via the Leech plot. Wolverine, who naturally functions as a Christmas antagonist of sorts, is brought into the story that way and it makes sense that the show would want to involve its most popular character in the plot. It finds a role for him, and we get the added drama of Wolverine being sort of racist against the Morlocks, but forced to save one. That angle isn’t really played up though. Wolverine just assumes the worst of the group, and he’s not entirely unjustified in doing so based on their prior interactions, and also gets in some cheap insults before they come upon Leech. It’s enough for Storm to assume the worst though and adds to the drama. Her and Wolverine’s argument is definitely the height of the special as far as the drama is concerned and the line readings from Sealy-Smith and Dodd are very much over-the-top, but in an earnest way.
Fans of the show probably weren’t asking to spend Christmas with the Morlocks, but the fact that they’re a poor family does lend itself well to a Christmas story.
And then, of course, we get the comedic B plot at the mansion involving Jean and Gambit. I feel like we actually could have used one more scene between the two as clearly Jean just gave up on preparing her idea of Christmas dinner at some point to let Gambit go full steam ahead with his oyster loaf and other foods. It’s fine and we actually get to see a different side of Jean in these scenes, who is normally rather buttoned-up and, frankly, boring. It also allows the whole team to get some presence in this one which is probably an important thing since Christmas is traditionally about family and it’s not like the show was planning on ever doing another Christmas episode.
At least we get to see how the X-Men decorate for Christmas. And they certainly go big.
As an episode of X-Men, this one is a bit of a failure. It’s plot feels out of place and the corny Christmas lines stand out far too much. It also doesn’t get to redeem itself with any special production values. The Christmas décor looks fine, and some of the characters are in outfits we’re not accustomed to seeing, but that’s about it. As a Christmas special though, it’s not that bad. Admittedly, there’s a ton of terrible Christmas specials out there so the bar isn’t exactly high. The messaging in this one is fairly simple and it really doesn’t beat you over the head with it since it’s largely contained to the show’s final minute. Xavier lays it on a bit thick right before the credits roll, but that’s hardly unusual for a Christmas special. It gets bonus points for having actual stakes, and while Leech is basically afflicted with “plot sickness,” the miraculous capabilities of Wolverine’s healing powers mean he could have legitimately been sick with something awful and Wolverine’s powers are just that good. There’s no Santa or anything like that, but it does have a human mutant story at its heart so that helps give it a solid foundation. Plus, it features the X-Men and you don’t get that too often in a Christmas story.
“Have Yourself a Morlock Little Christmas” gets a tepid recommendation from me. I suppose you have to be a fan of X-Men to get the most out of it, but at the same time, hardcore fans are possibly more likely to have a strong negative reaction to this one since it feels a bit silly to see the characters in this setting. This one is basically searching for the overlap on the Venn diagram of X-Men fans and fans of corny Christmas fair. At the end of the day, it’s only 23 minutes so you’re not sacrificing much to give it a look. And it’s fairly easy to find since the whole show is streaming on Disney+. It’s also available on DVD if physical media is still your thing. At worst, maybe you’ll be inspired to try some new dishes at your own Christmas dinner?
Can’t wait until tomorrow for more Christmas? Check out what we had to say on this day last year and beyond:
The early 90s saw an influx of cartoons produced solely with the intent to sell to cable networks. Previously, most cartoons were packaged from film or created for broadcast networks which would get the first run on major network affiliates and then gradually migrate to smaller stations. With cable becoming more affordable, it was fast…
After doing write-ups for the two cartoons inspired by Jim Carrey films from 1994, you must have figured I’d do the third today! Just as Carrey stormed the cinematic gates with Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, The Mask, and Dumb and Dumber in ’94, the television world followed suit in ’95 with an animated series based…
There was a huge demand for cartoons in the early 90s. Cable was expanding and needed content for all ages while a new broadcast network was also making noise. That network was Fox, and after scoring primetime hits with Married…with Children and The Simpsons, the network started to look at other areas where it could…
“The Bleakening” originally aired December 10, 2017.
All right, we’ve been at this for a few years now so you probably don’t need much of a primer on Bob’s Burgers, right? The animated sitcom which is shockingly in its 12th season (shocking because it still feels new to me) has become a reliable spot for Christmas fun each and every year. The show seems to pride itself on doing holiday themed episodes. Their bread and butter seems to be Thanksgiving as its canonically main character Bob’s (H. Jon Benjamin) favorite holiday, plus everyone does Christmas and there is no getting the Halloween crown away from The Simpsons at this point. The show will often hit on the lesser holidays too, like Valentine’s Day and Easter, but pretty much every year they do Christmas. And just about every year, their Christmas episode is one of the highlights of the holiday season. I can’t think of a Christmas episode of Bob’s Burgers that failed to entertain me. I definitely prefer some over others, but they’re pretty much all good.
The Season 8 Christmas episode, “The Bleakening,” really shines a light on how Christmas is matriarch Linda’s (John Roberts) holiday. The kids have Halloween, Bob has Thanksgiving, but Christmas is all Linda. It was her over-excitement for Christmas that got the plot rolling in my favorite Christmas episode from this show, “Christmas in the Car,” and its her attitude towards Christmas that gets this one going as well.
Being married to Linda must be exhausting.
This one begins in atypical fashion as it foregoes the opening which means no festive shop-next-door gag and no exterminator gag – darn. All we get is the message “Four days before Christmas” as we enter the bedroom of the Belchers where nothing sexy is happening. Quite the opposite, as Linda wakes up abruptly and immediately forces Bob to do the same. She tells Bob she just had a dream they threw a wonderful, Christmas, party and he could not care less. As he tries to go back to sleep she insists it’s a sign. She’s noticed that there’s a lack of Christmas spirit this year and maybe her dream was telling her that the only remedy for this malady is for the Belchers to have a Christmas party. Bob still doesn’t care so Linda stands up to describe her dream in song. As she does so, the bedsheet wrapped around her becomes a red, festive, dress and Bob is now wearing a tuxedo. She moves to the center of the bed and then off to sing, while Bob just rolls over to sleep. He does contribute some low notes during the song though, so he’s still somewhat of an active participant as Linda dances around and samples rivers of eggnog and describes her ideal party that is definitely out of reach for the Belcher family.
Linda has that crazy look in her eye again.
The next morning, the entire family is seated for breakfast as Linda tells the kids about her dream. Louise (Kristen Schaal) remarks she dreamt her dad had a ponytail and asks if they can just do that instead, so the kids clearly are not onboard with the idea of throwing a sudden Christmas party today. On the news, the family is watching a report on a local gay bar that’s being torn down and is an apparent source of the Christmas blues. Linda, seemingly inspired by this report, heads to the living room and begins sawing off the top of their Christmas tree. As the family looks on perplexed, she explains that it’s needed for their Christmas party while Gene (Eugene Mirman) describes what is being done to their tree as a circumcision. Linda then takes some more ornaments from the tree which are all homemade ones from the kids which she adores and puts them on her new, little, tree. We see quick flashbacks to her receiving the ornaments and the joke is that her reactions are all the same and that Linda will love anything her kids make for her, as all good mothers should.
Later that day, Linda gets her wish as the family hosts a Christmas party in the restaurant. Bob is tasked with handing out Santa Sliders and Teddy (Larry Murphy) questions what the etiquette is for the appetizers as he would apparently like the entire tray (the answer is apparently four). Linda gets to show off her little Christmas tree to some of the locals, the elderly craft store owners who normally hate the Belcher family, who while impressed with the decoration would still rather not talk to Linda.
The Bleaken as imagined by the kids, or told by Teddy, I’m not sure.
Teddy then asks the kids how the Santa thing is looking this year. As he does, he mentions something called the Bleaken in passing which confuses the kids. Teddy then elaborates that the Bleaken is a vengeful spirit who visits bad kids on Christmas instead of Santa. As he spins a tail, we see basically how the children envision the character who is surrounded by fog and shadows and features glowing red eyes and antlers like a deer. He’s clearly a Krampus-styled entity and the children are pretty captivated by Teddy’s story. Apparently though, the Bleaken works in tandem with Santa, or something, because after gifts are deposited, he steals them. It’s like Santa can’t bring himself to leave coal like we’ve always been threatened with, so he hires some jerk to just take the gifts and keep his hands clean. The kids definitely seem freaked out though, and Teddy might actually be aware of the anxiety he’s causing and tries to dismiss the Bleaken as something his nana probably made up.
I feel cheated out of a proper Burger of the Day.
Jimmy Pesto (Jay Johnston) makes what he thinks is a grand entrance, but no one cares. Bob seems annoyed Linda invited him, but she insists it’s Christmas or whatever as justification. At the bar, Linda is dishing gossip and eggnog to a guy named Dalton (John Early) who has the Christmas blues. He was apparently dumped by his boyfriend, and he lets us all know the eggnog Linda made is terrible as he seems to suspect she spiked it with mouthwash. He requests something else to drink and Linda cracks open a bottle of champagne for him. After he goes, Marshmallow (David Herman) enters with her friend Art (Adam Driver) the artist, and Linda finds his name amusing. Marshmallow sincerely asks him if he wants to leave, but he lets us know that he’s easily amused too and apparently likes Linda. Marshmallow tries some eggnog (“That’s nasty,”) while Linda expresses her condolences towards the pair over the closure of The Wiggle Room, the bar from the news report earlier. Marshmallow questions if she’ll ever wiggle again.
It’s gone!
With the party over, Linda waves goodbye to those still leaving before reprising her song from earlier, “It’s the Christmas of my dreams…” She sings it outside, and a passerby interrupts her. Embarrassed, she returns into the restaurant. Despite that little episode, she’s mostly content with how the party unfolded, but things take a dark turn when Linda notices her little tree is missing! Bob asks the kids if they did anything with it and they deny involvement. Sergeant Bosco (Gary Cole) is called in and he informs the family that there has been a lot of thefts like this going around this year. He mentions it’s all little stuff and casually drops outdoor inflatables in there which gets Teddy’s attention as he has an inflatable Santa that he’s now suddenly worried about. When he asks the detective if he has any leads, he just says “Yeah, some guy. Or girl. Or group of guys…” as he clearly doesn’t really care all that much. Linda just wants her ornaments back though that her kids made when they were young and cute. When Bob suggests they have the kids make new ones, she’s dismissive of the current state of her children which Gene takes offense to (“I’m adorable!”). Linda decides she needs to investigate on her own, but Bob cautions her against going overboard. You know she’s going to go overboard.
The initial list of suspects is pretty thorough.
The next day, a mere two days until Christmas, Linda works on a list of suspects while sitting at the bar. She crosses off those she feels she can eliminate, like Mort (Andy Kindler), but then Bob tells her Mort seemed unhappy about the Santa Slider he had to take so she adds him back. Bob then puts Jimmy Pesto in her mind as the prime suspect, and the two head over to his restaurant to confront him. Linda cuts right to the chase and tells him to return the tree, but Jimmy tells her he has no interest in her tree. He thought they were coming over because they found the fudge he left in their urinal explaining that he wanted them to think someone crapped in it. He thinks the bit is hilarious, but the Belchers aren’t amused. Linda then notices his security camera, but Pesto points out he would never have his cameras pointed at their boring restaurant and Bob takes offense when Jimmy makes up a fake TV show about videos of sad restaurants. The camera though actually reminded Linda that Mort has one at his crematorium next door and maybe it could have caught the culprit in the act.
Nice to see the kids haven’t lost their imagination.
At home, the kids sit around the coffee table apparently making a coupon book for their parents for Christmas, which Bob had remarked about earlier because apparently they get this every year and the kids never honor the coupons. While working, Louise has a thought that maybe the Bleaken stole the tree which leads into another musical segment. This one is pretty upbeat, like a Pat Benatar song, but the visuals are the kids heading for a snowy mountain dressed like extras from Game of Thrones. Louise’s theory seems to be convincing though as the kids make plans for how to fight this Bleaken.
Edith looking mighty suspicious and there’s certainly no love lost between she and the Belchers.
At Mort’s place of business, Bob and Linda are able to get a look at the security footage. Linda thanks Mort for the help and assures him he was never a suspect, which just causes Mort to remark it sure sounds like he was a suspect, but they’re just going to push past that. When he pulls up footage we first see Mort skipping across the sidewalk which he quickly fast forwards past. Linda tells him to stop when she sees something and Mort freezes the frame. It’s Edith and her husband leaving the party and she is clearly concealing something in her long, winter, coat. Proclaiming “Greatest generation, my ass!” Linda and Bob head out to confront the couple.
Art’s commitment to his gig is admirable.
Bob and Linda head to Reflections, the craft store owned by Edith (Murphy) and Harold (Sam Seder). Inside they find no one, but Linda wants to go look in the back. When they push open the door they find an art class and a nude Santa serving as the model. Edith and Harold are surprised to see the pair, but Bob cuts right to the chase and asks them to give Linda back her tree. They’re confused, and when Linda produces the evidence they come clean about stealing a tray of cookies. Apparently they’ve been doing these art classes all week and ran out of food, and nudes need snacks! Linda then notices the Santa model is Art and recognizes him from the party. She confronts him, in song, about an alibi which prompts him to sing in return about having nothing to hide (clearly). They go through a little number and the members of the class back him up on the claim he came there right after the party without a tree (Harold adds he did have a bush though!) and Linda believes him. Dismayed, the Belchers exit the store empty-handed. Well, actually they got their cookies back. Apparently they’re not very good.
Now there’s our proper Burger of the Day!
It’s now Christmas Eve Day, and Linda is still bummed about her tree. Bob tries to get her to focus on what they can control, like running the restaurant, but Linda wants to go back out and question all of her suspects again. Bob is forced to remind her that they haven’t even wrapped presents for the kids yet, and by “they” he means “you” because Linda lets us know that Bob wraps like a blind, drunken, bear (Bob adds that’s how he lives). She decides to give up on the tree, but as she does the kids come bursting into the restaurant claiming to know who stole the tree. This gets Linda all fired up again, much to Bob’s displeasure. When the kids tell their parents that this is the work of The Bleaken, both Bob and Linda laugh them off. Bob then encourages the family to get over it and look forward to Christmas as he unconvincingly tries to sell the kids on how good their presents are going to be. Tina (Dan Mintz), for her part, seems convinced.
Bosco is a man who really sees no benefit to performing the duties associated with his job.
The kids take it upon themselves to visit Sgt. Bosco down at the police station. When they tell him the Bleaken is responsible for the rash of Christmas thefts across town, he flicks water at them and could not be less interested. Louise then notices a map behind Bosco on the wall with a bunch of pushpins in it. She asks Bosco if that map refers to all of the thefts across town and Bosco confirms it is. Well, he confirms that it’s some of them as he got tired of keeping track and possibly ran out of pushpins. Louise then distracts him by asking about some lamps on his desk and when Bosco looks away from her to regard the lamps, Louise whips out a flip phone and snaps a pic of the map. Louise then hastily gets her siblings out of there and once outside shows the picture she took to Gene and Tina. The markers are basically in a circle and Louise theorizes that whoever took the trinkets probably resides somewhere in the middle which impresses both Gene and Tina. She wants to investigate this further and concludes it’s up to them to uncover the Bleaken!
Just a normal family dinner. Nothing to see here!
Back home, the family is seated for a quiet ham dinner. When Bob asks the kids if they like the ham, they reply in robotic fashion and Tina remarks she’ll definitely be sleeping all through the night in her own bed. Bob has learned not to ask questions since he has weird kids and changes the subject to leaving cookies out for Santa. Linda, obviously still depressed about the loss of her tree, says “Oh yeah,” when asked about the cookies and stands up to do so. We then head into a montage of the family getting things in order before bed set to “Carol of the Bells.” Linda unplugs the tree and sighs beside it when she looks at the missing top. The kids put the cookies and milk out then head to bed. We even check in with Teddy who appears to be performing some sort of surgery on his inflatable Santa. Bob and Linda check to see if the kids are asleep, then get the wrapping paper out. Once they leave though, Louise pops out of bed in her clothes and wakes her siblings who are also dressed for adventure. When their parents go into their bedroom, the kids sneak past the stockings and down the stairs. Tina gives one, lingering, look up the stairs before closing the door indicating she’s feeling unsure about this adventure. We then see a shot of the kids walking down the snowy street from the window of their living room as the message “To be continued” is displayed.
Now this is ambitious!
What?! To be continued?! Bob’s Burgers rarely does two-parters, and a Christmas two-parter is especially rare for any show! It is what it is though, so come back tomorrow to find out who stole Linda’s tree. Was it the Bleaken? Maybe Teddy? Could it actually have been Mort? And what about the precious ornaments? All this and more, same Christmas blog address, same Christmas blog…ahh you get the idea.
Come back tomorrow to find out if these stockings get filled!
Can’t wait until tomorrow for more Christmas? Check out what we had to say on this day last year and beyond:
After yesterday’s horrid feature, I feel that today calls for a Christmas special that’s actually good. And in order to satisfy that desire, I’m heading for Arlen, Texas for our first look at a special from the animated sitcom, King of the Hill. Back when King of the Hill premiered on the Fox Network in…
It’s a battle for the hearts of children around the world! What is the superior holiday: Halloween or Christmas? Today’s entrant is founded on the premise that Halloween is the only holiday to rival Christmas as far as what children look forward to most. This feels more or less on point as a kid…
In the mid 90s comedian Louie Anderson got his own animated show. I have no idea how or why. It was apparently a Fox thing to find stand-up comedians and give them their own show, they just usually took the form of a late night show or sitcom. Life with Louie was a cartoon about…
It was just last year that we finally broke the seal on American Dad!. It surprised me how long I was able to avoid American Dad! year in and year out since it has a wealth of Christmas episodes at its disposal. Last year, the featured Christmas episode was the very first one the show did, “The Best Christmas Story Never Told.” This year, I’m skipping ahead to Season 7 (or 6, it’s confusing) and the fourth Christmas episode the show has done, “For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls.” This episode had the distinction of being the only numbered entry in my Top 25 Christmas Specials from last year that had not been covered in some capacity on this blog. This year, I am rectifying that even if it means skipping over a couple of others, but that’s not a big deal because like most sitcoms there is no continuity from one episode to the next.
Except for this one! Actually, this episode is the beginning of a continuity in American Dad! that really only matters at Christmas. And that continuity concerns the Smith’s relationship with the big man in charge of the holiday. No, not Jesus, but Santa. This episode will show why Santa has a hatred for the Smith family and it’s a subject that will be revisited in subsequent Christmas episodes covering the old man’s death and even his resurrection. I think the last Christmas episode the show featured Santa in, “Santa Schmanta,” had him back to his old self at the end. The show doesn’t always do a Christmas special every year since it’s a TBS property that doesn’t always have anything airing around the holiday. Last year, the show was able to return to Christmas with “Yule. Tide. Repeat.,” and that was because they simply delayed airing the season finale three months so it would air in December.
I can’t believe this episode is more than 10 years old.
This Christmas episode happens to be my favorite from the show because it’s just over-the-top and ridiculous in a way that only American Dad! can get away with. Writer Erik Durbin wanted to make it bloody and referenced the movie 300, and he’s pretty much going to realize that dream. We’ve seen plenty of violent Christmas specials from places like Robot Chicken, but the violence is often used for just sheer shock value. Sure, there is definitely an element of that present in this episode as well, but it’s setup and earned over the duration of the show and most of the violence is reserved for the end. Plus, this show dares to imagine Santa as kind of a bad guy. He’s mostly just vengeful here (and with good reason), but the bad guy persona will be explored in greater detail and reinforced in the Christmas specials to come.
It cannot be overstated how much Stan hates Jeff.
The episode opens with the usual intro, only the title of the show is displayed in a candy cane font at the close and dissolved into a snowy sky. Stan (Seth MacFarlane) is in his living room and Jeff (Jeff Fischer) comes running downstairs to express his joy at the imminent arrival of Christmas. He expresses hope that Santa will bring him a polar bear helmet from the movie The Golden Compass and races outside to mail his letter to Santa. Stan is intensely annoyed with Jeff’s presence and thinks he’s an idiot for still believing in Santa Claus. Haley (Rachael MacFarlane) stands up for her husband and says his childlike innocence is one of the things that charms her, but she’s not winning Stan over who insists he will never accept Jeff as part of their family.
Nice clog, Francine.
When they leave they’re replaced by Francine (Wendy Schaal) who comes in carrying clogs. She is in search of a new family tradition and she thought the custom of filling clogs with presents was a good idea since Barbara Walters recommended it and she slept with a married, black, senator (“She doesn’t drive in the slow lane”). Stan doesn’t care as he’s excited about giving Steve his Christmas present this year: a gun. Francine is strongly against the idea of Steve having a gun, despite Stan’s protests that they’ve been unable to bond over anything else, and makes Stan promise not to give Steve a gun for Christmas.
Merry Wednesday!
We hard cut to Stan shouting “Merry Wednesday!” and presenting Steve (Scott Grimes) with a machinegun. Steve is a bit unsure if he’s ready for such an item, but his father’s insistence seems to be working. Jeff then pops into Steve’s room to enthusiastically declare that he’ll go shooting with Stan and Steve, much to Stan’s annoyance. He tells Jeff he can’t come since this is a father-son bonding thing and punctuates it by telling Jeff he’s not a part of their family. He closes his eyes and tells Jeff he wants him gone when he opens them. The camera shifts to Stan’s point-of-view as he opens his eyes and we see Jeff still standing there smiling like a dope.
Roger must go to great lengths to get drunk this Christmas.
The family alien Roger (MacFarlane) is out shopping for booze. He expresses to the clerk at a liquor store (Clancy Brown) that he needs something strong for his eggnog. When the clerk tells him most people use bourbon, Roger snaps at him with desperation in his voice that he can’t get drunk and needs something stronger. The clerk says he merely was checking to make sure and then leads Roger to the side of the counter and the two huddle down. He begins to tell Roger a tale about a legendary four-armed, nine foot tall, blind man who lives at the top of a nearby mountain, but has to stop his story when another patron interrupts them inquiring about seasonal beers. Roger tells him he’s ruining the story, and the guy goes away allowing the clerk to finish the story and present Roger with a special map leading to this man’s location. The customer then interrupts again to ask if the store sells watch batteries causing Roger to leap in the air, in slow motion, and slap the guy telling him to “Get out.”
Time to be a man, Steve.
Stan and Steve head off to try out Steve’s new gun. Stan gives him a lesson in handling a firearm describing it like making love to a woman, “First you inspect it to make sure she’s clean. Then, you grab her by the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn’t fit, make it!” Steve sets up to fire his new “toy” at some tin cans. When he fires the gun, he has little control over it and hits a nearby road sign causing a bullet to ricochet and strike Steve’s glasses, just like in A Christmas Story. He pleads with his dad that this isn’t safe, and Stan surprisingly agrees with him as he picks up the shot glasses.
Whoops…
We hard cut to a store parking lot, and Stan has just bought Steve safety goggles. Now they’re safe! He instructs Steve to take aim at a nearby snowman and Steve riddles the snow being with bullets. The snowman then starts to gush blood before falling apart to reveal a Santa had been standing behind it smoking a cigar and drinking a coffee. He’s filled with bullet holes and falls over face first into the bloody snow at his feet. Stan and Steve rush over with Steve freaking out about shooting a mall Santa. He then asks his dad, “Is he…?” and Stan interrupts him by finishing the question, “Is he dead?” by deadpanning that, yes, this guy is very dead. Stan casually loads the corpse into his car, while Steve continues to freak out. He assures him everything will be fine, they’ll just take him home and use Stan’s CIA resources to check his prints.
That won’t be necessary, Roger.
Roger reaches the top of the mountain the clerk instructed him to climb and finds an old, downed, airplane and a stereotypical redneck sitting on a porch outside the plane. Roger introduces himself and explains he’s looking for a nine foot tall, blind, moonshiner with four arms. When the man says he is the one he’s seeking, Roger is confused as he’s definitely not any of those things he expected him to be. The man has Roger take a sip of his shine and then Roger hallucinates the man into the creature he expected. He then introduces himself as Bob Todd (Erik Durbin) and goes into a long explanation of what people refer to him as. Roger politely endures this explanation from Robert Toddford Williams, then humbly requests to purchase some of his shine. When Bob Todd tells him he has no use for his money, Roger gets down on all fours preparing to pay for his booze in another fashion. When Bob Todd explains that he’ll teach Roger how to make it, he cheerfully hops back to his feet remarking “You had me in the palm of your hand there. In another second, it would have been the other way around!”
She’s right to be mad, Stan really should have put down some trash bags first or something.
At the Smith residence, Stan and Steve are preparing to head inside to check the fingerprints of the corpse when Francine arrives home. Stan instructs his son to act casual and compliments his wife on her appearance and Steve awkwardly follows suit. She’s flattered though, and the two head inside to check the CIA database. Stan can’t find anything on the guy, which puzzles him, and then gives an “Uh oh” as they look outside to see Francine has found the bloody mess of a Santa in the back of the family SUV.
Francine acts like someone who has done this before.
The family convenes in the living room and Francine expresses her displeasure with Stan. Steve starts crying about a boy shooting a man and his hysterics get Haley’s attention. She’s shocked to find out what happened and asks if anyone has called the police. It’s then Francine who says this isn’t going to ruin their Christmas and they’re all heading out to the woods to bury the corpse. We then cut to the family doing just that, and Francine is angry with the family for not letting her smash the guy’s teeth and cut off his hands. When they look at her with shock, she asks “Well you want to get away with murder or not?!”
Donkey Todd.
On top of the Chimdale mountains, Roger is ready to make some shine. He’s dressed like a hick in overalls and a crooked, bowl cut, wig and even has some janky teeth to go along with it. Bob Todd gives him a hit of the shine, and he morphs back into the mythical nine foot tall creature. The sequence of preparing moonshine is done-up like a game of Donkey Kong. Bob Todd chucks barrels and amusingly provides all of the sound effects, while Roger has to leap over them and get to the woman at the top of the still. He does, and gives her a big kiss only for the effects of the hallucination to ware off and reveal he’s smooching a raccoon. Bob Todd proclaims his training complete, for he has smooched the raccoon, and hands over some jugs and tells Roger to get to it.
Maybe that wasn’t your garden variety mall Santa.
Back at the Smith home, Stan is wrapping gifts in his study when he finds an elegant looking scroll with a message written on it, “I noel what you did in the woods.” We then see Francine preparing a turkey and she finds a scroll too, this one reads “Your goose is cooked.” Steve finds one by the fireplace that says “Your nuts will roast on an open fire,” while Haley has one stuffed in her bong that says, “THC you in Hell.” The family race to convene in the living room to show off what they found. As they wonder if they have a snitch in their midst, the television interrupts the family to provide some important plot details. A calendar salesman, who makes calendars featuring cats for lesbians, is asked what month it feels like and he says October as the Christmas cheer appears to have been sapped from the population. The reporter, Terry (Mike Barker), even punctuates it by suggesting it feels like someone killed Santa Claus.
They’re cute when they’re armed.
The family, now in a bit of a panic, decide they need to dig up the corpse and confirm if it’s Santa or not. They exhume it, only to find it’s empty except for the bloody remains of Santa’s suit. A note, not unlike the ones the Smiths already received, is left behind letting them know that Santa is pissed. As they stare in shock, an arrow whizzes past Stan’s head to lodge in a nearby tree. As they look up, they see an elf riding a reindeer armed with a bow and arrow. He laughs (Dee Bradley Baker) in a comical voice and tells them Santa can’t be killed. He’s home in the north pole recuperating, but he’ll have his revenge before dawn of Christmas morning. He then beckons to his reindeer, Mimsy, and the two fly off leaving the Smiths to comprehend what they just saw. We then see a quick scene from The North Pole of Mrs. Claus casually knitting while Santa is shown recuperating in a rejuvenation chamber of sorts.
Hick Roger is here to save the day!
Stan tries to dismiss the elf as the antics of a “midge,” but then the family uses the correct term of “little people” which is nice since they used the hurtful term in the prior special. The arrow dissolves into light though confirming once and for all that Steve did indeed fire upon the real Santa. As they wonder what to do, Roger appears still in his hick attire. He carries on the persona for a bit, then drops it as everyone seems confused. He tells them they can hide out in the mountains with him, then cracks a Deliverance joke at Ned Beatty’s (R.I.P.) expense.
Who wouldn’t want to spend Christmas Eve here?!
Atop the mountain, the family is introduced to Bob Todd who is happy to have guests for Christmas. As the sun goes down, the family heads inside to sing carols. The group looks setup to play carols jug-band style, and even seem excited about it, but the sound of sleigh bells startles them before they can begin. They open the door to see it’s just Jeff, driving up in his van. Stan is pissed at the sight of his hated son-in-law and Haley says she told him where they would be so they could spend Christmas together. Jeff enters the house and Stan angrily tells him to shut off the sleigh bell sounds coming from his van. When Jeff says his van isn’t making that noise, the family looks to the sky and sees Santa and his army descending upon them! As they fly towards the mountain summit, a metal version of “Carol of the Bells” by August Burns Red serves as the herald for Santa’s army.
He’s here!
Stan is now even more pissed at Jeff because it was he who wrote a letter to Santa telling him where they’d be so he knew where to deliver his present. Stan tells him to leave in hurtful terms insisting that Jeff is not, and will never be, a part of this family. The family doesn’t have time to get angry with Stan though as Bob Todd opens up a weapon’s locker and arms everyone. Steve is handed a gun and is unsure if he can ever touch one again, but it’s Francine who slaps him around and orders him to go outside and commit murder. He does as he’s told and takes the weapon, jamming the magazine into it as his father showed him earlier while referring to it as Linda. Stan, Steve, and Bob Todd then go out to defend the homestead while Haley and Francine are left to fire from the windows.
The Smith men finally found a way to bond.
Outside, the battle commences and Bob Todd apparently hates Santa. He calls him a butt licker, which is a strange insult coming from him because Bob Todd looks like the kind of guy plenty willing to go ass-to-mouth (probably with a raccoon), and starts blasting elves from the sky. Stan and Steve fire from behind a bunker and Steve questions his dad if it’s weird that he has a boner? Stan replies “It would be weird if you didn’t,” as the two, pretty cheerfully, lay waste to the reindeer and elves in a perverted bonding experience.
The perfect setting for some mother-daughter time.
Inside the hull of the downed plane that Bob Todd calls a home, Francine and Haley have a similar heart-to-heart about Jeff in between machinegun fire. Francine assures her daughter that her father will come around, eventually, it will just take some time. She references how long it took for him to adapt to Roger and adds “And the other one.” We hard cut to Klaus (Dee Bradley Baker), the fish, in his fish bowl at home to basically acknowledge his lack of a part in this episode.
He told you that he’d be back again some day!
Outside, Bob Todd is chucking molotov cocktails and Santa’s minions unleash a behemoth snowman. Bob Todd blows it up with a full barrel of flaming moonshine, only for presents to burst from the corpse each one containing a miniature snowman ready to attack. Inside, the girls are out of ammo and Roger suggests they use these oversized candy canes he has as weapons, they just need to sharpen them with their mouth first. All three suck the end of the candy cane, and Haley is the first to produce a pointy tip. Roger compliments her on her ability to do so while Francine struggles, but insists she can do it!
Nice to see Rudy make an appearance.
Jeff shows up behind Stan and Steve and asks if he can help. Stan tells him he can shield him from the arrows and die. Santa (Matt Mckenna) emerges from his sleigh and lights a cigar on Rudolph’s nose as he surveys the battlefield. He then calls out to Jeff telling him that he’s been a good boy and that he doesn’t need to die with the Smiths. Everything stops as everyone turns their attention to Jeff. Santa tells him he has the present he requested, the polar bear helmet from The Golden Compass, and urges Jeff to come stand by his side. Jeff quietly leaves Stan and Steve and walks towards Santa as Haley calls out to him urging him not to side with Santa. Stan tells her to let him go, using this act as a way to illustrate how Jeff was never a part of their family.
Merry Christmas, Santa!
Jeff receives his gift and happily puts it on his head as an elf smashes Stan in the back of the head with a club knocking him unconscious. Santa then grabs an ornate looking rifle and sets his sights on the unconscious Stan. Jeff, wearing the spiked helmet he just received as a gift, apologizes to Santa for what he’s about to do and then rams his head into Santa’s kidney area. The fat man howls in pain and doubles over as Jeff races over to Stan and drags him into the house. Santa calls to his elves who immediately bandage his wounds with wrapping paper.
Now he’s bonding with his son-in-law, Stan is on a roll!
Inside the plane, Jeff takes Stan into the cockpit to tend to his wound. When Stan comes to with his head bandaged, he expresses his surprise at Jeff’s actions. He’s shocked that Jeff would do something like that for him, but Jeff corrects him that he didn’t do it for him, but Haley. He then tells Stan that he actually thinks he’s an ass, and Stan is impressed with him for the first time ever. He then tells Jeff that they should go out there and die as a family. They open the door to the cockpit and survey the carnage as their family tries to fight off a horde of tiny elves with a wholesome score behind them to celebrate this moment as a magical Christmas one. The two then join the fray as it appears the family will soon be overcome by Santa’s minions.
Now there’s a festive image!
Outside, Santa is puffing on his cigar when he notices the sun rising. He curses, then calls off the troops. They all retreat and fade away into Christmas dust as they apparently only had until dawn of Christmas Day to do the deed (I wonder who filled in for Santa all night with his regular job?). The family emerges, battered and bloody, from the home. Jeff remarks that this means he probably won’t be getting any more Christmas presents, and we hear the voice of Santa chime in, “You’re damn right you jerk!” Francine catches a note from Santa which contains a threat for next year. She’s actually delighted since it looks like her family has found a new Christmas tradition! We then hear from Bob Todd who survived the massacre. He drags over the corpse of a reindeer explaining how it tried to turn into dust, but he was having none of that. When Stan remarks he’ll get some nice venison out of that deer, Bob Todd tells the family he’s going to prepare a Christmas feast for them, but first he’s going to make sweet love to this reindeer corpse. He and the family wish us a “Merry Christmas!” as the camera zooms out to show the bloody aftermath.
The aftermath.
“For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls” lives up to its promise of being a bloody, violent, Christmas special to the point that I’m surprised they didn’t opt for a pun with the title and use “slay” instead of “sleigh.” It’s almost an anti-special, since the family kills Santa and all, but it’s conclusion is pretty standard holiday fare as the Smiths learn the meaning of family. Family isn’t just blood, it can also be who you choose, and Stan finally accepts the fact that Jeff is married to his daughter and is indeed part of his family. And it does put an end to some of the venom from Stan that he reserved for Jeff previously, though he’s still allowed to think of him as an idiot. I like the natural setup of the episode with Stan attempting a last ditch effort to bond with his son over guns, and that leading to the tragedy of Steve accidentally murdering Santa (though I described it as an accident, I can’t overlook that he did willingly fire a machinegun in a crowded parking lot and chances are he was going to kill or wound someone in the process). There’s some great misdirection, from the reveal of Santa being shot, to Francine’s insistence on covering up the crime, and Jeff’s turn that are all quite funny. Another joke is rarely far away with this show as it’s often line after line of funny.
A new family tradition is born.
The violence is the star though as the last several minutes of the episode are devoted to a bloody battle of man and elf. There are numerous shots of reindeer getting shot out of the sky intercut with the expected Saving Private Ryan moments of limbless elves wandering among the fallen in a daze. Their search for their limb ended by another relentless volley of machinegun fire. The violence is juxtaposed with casual conversation from the family as they sort out their business adding to the humor, while Bob Todd is mostly allowed to just be a homicidal maniac. The portrayal of Santa as a vengeful blowhard is entertaining, but as I mentioned in the lead-in, we won’t really see a full-on villainous turn for years to come. Here he’s justified in hating Stan, and the whole family played a role in covering up their crime. You just wouldn’t expect the classic interpretation of Santa to be so bloodthirsty.
Merry Christmas from the Smiths!
The violence contained in this one obviously means it’s not a Christmas special for everyone. It’s not something I’d show my young kids at this juncture, but it is one that I get a laugh out of! Even though I’ve seen this one probably more times than any other American Dad! Christmas episode, it’s still the one I look forward to returning to each year the most. These days there are a lot of anti-Christmas specials, but this one might be the best.
If you’re looking forward to spending Christmas with the Smiths this year then you should have a few options at your disposal. The show is shown daily on Cartoon Network during its Adult Swim block and it will certainly air this, and a bunch of other Christmas episodes, this month. The show is also available to stream on Hulu and available to rent or own in various places. My advice is if you have a cable subscription just load-up the DVR with American Dad! Christmas episodes and have yourself a nice, festive, binge. It’s what I’ll be doing all month!
Can’t wait until tomorrow for more Christmas? Check out what we had to say on this day last year and beyond:
When someone hears the title TV Funhouse they probably first go to Saturday Night Live and The Ambiguously Gay Duo, a cartoon Batman and Robin parody that hypothesizes the relationship between the two heroes is more than just friendship. What many aren’t aware of is that the comedic short starring Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert…
Late in the summer of 1993 the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (MMPR) were unleashed upon the world. The build-up had been going on all summer with the Fox Kids Network running promos and print ads steadily to build-up momentum, and like a good little consumer, I was there for the premiere. The show became…
Nickelodeon used to be a weird channel. It was composed mostly of old black and white television shows like Lassie and Dennis the Menace while mixing in old cartoons like re-packaged Looney Tunes blocks. Then there was early morning educational stuff including some anime that wasn’t obviously anime, plus Mr. Wizard. And don’t forget about…
What is it with the X-Men film franchise and its aversion to simple titles? We couldn’t just have X-Men 2, we had to have X2. The third film was billed as X-Men: The Last Stand in some places, but the theatrical poster seemed to imply it was X3: The Last Stand. At least the reboot films seemed to rectify this with X-Men: First Class followed by X-Men: Days of Future Past, but now we have just Dark Phoenix. Not X-Men: Dark Phoenix, but Dark Phoenix. Just in case you were confused though, at least the theatrical poster circled the “X” in Phoenix, but why not just keep things nice and simple?
Dark Phoenix is the 2019 film that marks the end of the X-Men film franchise as we know it. It’s been an interesting, confusing, frustrating, and sometimes thrilling ride. The franchise took off in 2000 with X-Men, and arguably peaked with the sequel. The third film was a let down, and then we had some solo Wolverine outings with one being terrible and the other acceptable, plus a sort of prequel, reboot, in 2011. X-Men: First Class turned me off initially, but once I finally gave it a chance I was forced to concede it was at least a fun film. I just didn’t really like how it tried to be both a reboot and a prequel to the original film and felt it would have been better to just commit to one. Apparently, the studio saw this as an issue too so Days of Future Past in 2014 basically served as the sequel to First Class and as the true reboot for the franchise as the time-traveling original heroes changed history and likely inadvertently erased basically everything that happened in the original trilogy. Confused? I suppose you should be, but at the end of the day, it just meant we were truly were dealing with two distinct sets of films that just both happened to be about the X-Men.
The sequels/reboots ended up being a lot of fun, but things took a turn in the third film, X-Men: Apocalypse. That one was a mess and was a textbook example of what not to do when telling an X-Men story. The villain was just an all-powerful being with no subtext. I likened Apocalypse to a natural disaster in my review of that film and I stand by that. He was a foe that just was; there was no getting away from him or around him or reasoning with him, he just had to be endured. The cast basically exploded which meant we had a bunch of new faces and not enough time to get to know any of them. It was almost as if the film depended on people knowing who these characters were and establishing a connection based off of that and not by what was presented onscreen. Given that, the obvious next step was to tell a story entirely dependent upon the audience caring about these new characters – what could go wrong?
The original story of Phoenix unfolded over several years and was anchored by characters introduced 20 years prior, this film is counting on viewers caring about characters introduced just a film ago and given minimal screen time at that with only 2 hours to tell the story.
Apocalypse made enough money that a fourth film was commissioned: Dark Phoenix. The Dark Phoenix Saga is perhaps the most famous X-Men story ever told. Crafted by writer Chris Claremont and artist John Byrne, The Dark Phoenix Saga unfolded in the pages of Uncanny X-Men spanning 8 issues in 1980. Some would argue the story began earlier with Uncanny X-Men #101 which began the story of Phoenix way back in 1976. In essence, this was a story that unfolded over parts of 5 years, so is it any wonder that other versions of the X-Men have struggled to match the original story?
Probably the best adaptation of The Phoenix Saga and Dark Phoenix Saga is in the animated series X-Men. That show devoted basically 10 episodes to the event and had given us multiple seasons before that to develop a connection to the characters in the show. When the X-Men originally went to film, we had at least had two films to connect with characters Jean Grey and Cyclops, only Cyclops was basically written out of the sequel and quickly killed off at the beginning of the third. Oops! At least The Last Stand had the Wolverine/Jean dynamic and the Xavier/Jean relationship to fall back on, but it was sloppy with the Phoenix character taking a backseat to Magneto for large stretches of the film.
This film is not good, but that’s not because of the performance of actress Sophie Turner.
In the waning moments of Apocalypse, the film started dropping hints that Phoenix was next so I was not surprised to find out that Dark Phoenix was in development, but I immediately expected failure. Once again, a film was jumping over The Phoenix Saga and going straight to Dark Phoenix, only this time, the title character was one no on cared about. The film had a lengthy development cycle due in the part to director/screenwriter Bryan Singer getting fired for being a sexual predator and the studio having enough issues with first-time director Simon Kinberg’s final act that they sent the whole crew back for reshoots. The release date got kicked around as the film would basically become akin to a lame duck president since rumors were flying, and would later come to fruition, that Disney was purchasing 20th Century Fox which would bring an end to the X-Men film franchise. The film was finally released in June 2019 and it bombed. If Wikipedia can be believed, it would eventually make more than its budget, but that probably doesn’t factor in marketing costs so it’s possible the studio lost money, though it’s certainly likely that it did not realize a substantial profit.
The poor reception to the film is why my review has taken more than two years to arrive. I’ve simply been unwilling to spend money to watch it, so I waited for it to finally show up on a streaming platform I was already subscribed to. I will come right out and say it: this movie is not good. I was hoping that maybe for a longtime fan of the X-Men, it would work on a basic level for me and I could have some fun with it despite its flaws. Instead, I found little to enjoy.
For starters, the script and screenplay are poor. Characters are given lines riddled with clichés. One can practically predict every word about to come out of a character’s mouth in a given situation and it just feels like amateur hour. Despite the poor script, some actors are able to rise to the occasion. Sophie Turner, who plays the title character, received poor marks for her performance in Apocalypse, but here she redeems herself. Yes, the movie does her few favors, but she performs as well as could be expected. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender continue to be pleasant as Professor Xavier and Magneto, respectively, though the latter’s appearance felt especially shoe-horned this time around. Just like with Apocalypse, Magneto is basically just to hear to clearly demonstrate that another being is more powerful than him. Nicholas Hoult is fine as Beast/Hank McCoy, but that’s basically it. Jennifer Lawrence continues to underwhelm as Raven/Mystique which is partly due to the character being underserved by the role while Kodi Smit-McPhee (Nightcrawler) and Alexandra Shipp (Storm) are treated more like tools than characters. Jessica Chastain, who reportedly turned down numerous offers to appear in a “superhero” film before, plays the villain Vuk and it’s truly puzzling that this is the role she finally accepted. She must have owed someone a favor or just really likes Kinberg because the role is terrible.
A space rescue leads to an encounter with the Phoenix Force, setting the wheels of the plot in motion.
The plot of the film basically tries to adapt portions of both The Phoenix Saga and Dark Phoenix Saga. When the film begins, Xavier is basically a celebrity with direct access to the President of the United States and things are going well for mutants. It’s supposed to be set in the early 90s, but the period is not utilized in the least. When the X-Men are called upon to save a stranded space shuttle in the outer rim of Earth’s orbit, Jean Grey is exposed to a supernatural force and is forever changed. This causes a rift between Raven and Xavier, with Beast caught in the middle, over Xavier’s willingness to place his student’s in harm’s way to further his agenda while Cyclops (Tye Sheridan) is left to worry about his girlfriend, Jean, who is acting different. Things take a turn as Jean essentially becomes the Dark Phoenix character as we know her leading to tragedy and her fleeing the team. In the process, it’s discovered that Charles had used his own powers to hide traumatic memories of Jean’s when he took her in, and now those barriers are failing causing others on the team to question Xavier’s judgement and Jean to basically go out of control.
Vuk (left) basically plays the role of Mastermind this time around as she attempts to forge a bond with Jean to gain control of the Phoenix.
Complicating things further are the D’Bari, a race of shape-shifting beings made extinct by The Phoenix Force before it ever encountered Jean. Their leader, Vuk, wants to take control of the Phoenix which now rests in Jean, and in order to do so needs to become her ally. Along the way Magneto will be pulled in and Xavier will be forced to reassess what the X-Men stand for. It’s a mess of a plot that both asks us to care about characters we barely know and is also afraid to actually put a lot on the shoulders of these characters. A lot of what happens, particularly with Magneto, feels like the film just padding out its length. Once again, Magneto is presented as being in a state of peace, but then immediately goes back to being a tool of vengeance. It’s ridiculous what the past two films have tried to do with the character and the only silver lining is that Michael Fassbender continues to be terrific in the role. The presence of the D’Bari is essentially taking the place of the Hellfire Club from the comic, and not the Shi’ar, as Vuk tries to coerce Jean into being an ally in order to take control of the Phoenix Force. The film isn’t really interested in explaining this cosmic entity; does it just function like a power amplifier or is it in control? It’s basically just there to give Vuk a motivation and a reason to exist, albeit a flimsy one. The film would have functioned in the same fashion if Vuk just wanted to use Jean like a weapon, as Magneto had done in The Last Stand, and the Phoenix entity was just something that existed inside her character.
I love Fassbender’s Magneto, but he did not need to be in this picture.
Dragging the film further down into the mire are the special effects and action pieces. The effects are not bad, just not interesting. It’s a lot of characters just putting their hands up and CG taking over to add in some flames or lightning. The only interesting moment involves a subway car crashing up through a street, but it’s also a head-scratching moment as the character responsible didn’t really need to do that and it just looks like the film trying to show off. There’s no moment that made me say “Wow” and there’s no signature fight scene either. The final battle is one of the film’s most underwhelming moments. The costumes at least look okay. Beast still looks kind of dumb, but a lot of that has to do with the character’s design and not the makeup effects being utilized. This one, like the previous film, does draw attention to how the franchise loves blue characters as we have the blue Beast, Nightcrawler, and Mystique making up half of the X-Men. The franchise is finally confident to give the team a comic-inspired uniform, but still not willing to give other characters a cool, fun, look. Jean, as Dark Phoenix, just wears street clothes throughout this one and Magneto apparently lost his threads between films.
Dark Phoenix is not a good film and a whimper for the franchise. Technically, the final X-Men adjacent film is last year’s The New Mutants, another film fraught with delays and reshoots that ultimately did not pan out. It’s a shame that a cartoon in the early 90s is still the best depiction of a classic comic story like The Dark Phoenix Saga and I wonder if the repeated failures will cause Disney to bypass it when X-Men finally enters the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It’s a shame, because it’s really not a hard story to adapt, it’s just one that needs time. It’s not a one-movie deal, it has to be cultivated across films and, most importantly, they need to be films that actually respect the characters. Marvel has proven it can create a team and have the audience care about it, and I don’t mean The Avengers. That was obviously a different animal where most of the characters got stand-alone films first, but Guardians of the Galaxy did not go that route and found a way to make us love the characters on that team. I do suspect that when it comes time to onboard the X-Men that we’ll meet someone like Xavier in a different film before being properly introduced to the full team. And it’s possible we’ll meet other characters prior to that as well. It wouldn’t be hard to slip Storm into whatever comes next for the Black Panther and Wolverine can fit in almost anywhere. That’s a whole other subject though. For now, the X-Men film franchise that began in 2000 is over. It had its ups and downs, but it’s also a big reason why we have the superhero genre today. It was immensely important and I’m glad it exists even if it has many flaws. It’s unfortunate it didn’t get a better send-off, but I think of Days of Future Past as the true bookend and that film is great. And if not, well Logan is possibly the best superhero movie ever and also would be a fine end. Dark Phoenix just happened to be the movie that came last.
“Father of the Bob” originally aired on December 7, 2014. And as always, there was a delightful Christmas pun in the title sequence.
Bob’s Burgers has somewhat quietly become the best animated show on the Fox Network. Better than the modern version of The Simpsons, and better than Family Guy. It might be the ugliest of the three, but it more than makes up for that with its characters and plots. Bob’s Burgers looks like just another animated sitcom about a family of five on the surface: the Belchers are short on money, but not on problems. Where the show really separates itself is that it’s never really operated like a conventional sitcom. The members of the family all get along and seem to like each other. There are very few plots centered on conflicts within the family. Rarely do parents Bob and Linda need to discipline the kids or worry about their performance at school. And all three kids are quite weird, and yet no one in the family pokes fun at each other. Well, the kids do point out Bob’s flaws at times, but it’s often in an observational manner as opposed to trying to make him feel bad about himself. This is a family that is incredibly tolerant of each other, almost to a fault as Bob can be a push-over. They rarely say “I love you,” to each other, but it’s obvious that they do in a very natural way that just doesn’t need stating.
And, of course, the show is incredibly funny. It’s also incredibly dedicated to holiday themed episodes in a way that few shows are. Every season you can almost guarantee there will be a Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas episode. Sometimes the holiday is just sort of happening in the background, which it kind of is in today’s episode, and other times it’s very much the focus of the episode. It’s certainly great for a website like this one so don’t be surprised if Bob’s Burgers ends up showing up here on an annual basis as well.
This episode is going to take us back in time more than once.
“Father of the Bob” is actually one of the more melodramatic episodes in the show’s history. It contains a plot revolving around Bob and his father, Big Bob, and how the two struggle to get along with each other. It’s one of the more conventional plots the show has done when compared with its contemporaries, but it still finds ways to impart its unique brand of humor to the story and it largely utilizes the kids to do so.
A young Bob crafts his first gimmick burger.
The episode opens with a flashback to thirty years prior. On a snowy Christmas, a young Bob (H. Jon Benjamin) is handling grill duties while his dad is at a doctor’s appointment. He’s talking to the burger as he personifies it with a high-pitched voice, something he will carry with him to adulthood. He then presents his burger to patron Henry (Carl Reiner). He dubs it the Baby You Can Chive My Car Burger as it has chives and little fried pickles for wheels, making it simulate a car. Fellow patrons Max (Jordan Peele) and Pete (Nick Offerman) look on as Henry decides if he wants to eat this thing as he had ordered his usual: a tuna melt. As he looks it over, Big Bob (Bill Hader) returns from his appointment and we find out it was for a prostate exam. His remark, “So that’s what a prostate exam is,” is met with a “I think it’s fun if it’s a surprise!” from Max reminding me that there’s almost no way I can capture all of the good lines that are going to be featured here.
Little Bob presents his masterpiece to Henry, the Baby You Can Chive My Car Burger.
Big Bob takes notice of the unusual burger being presented to Henry. As Bob enthusiastically describes it to his dad, Big Bob just looks disgusted. He seems even more irritated when he finds out Henry ordered his usual, but Bob tries to tell Henry he’ll like this. Big Bob reminds him you don’t tell the customer what he wants, but Henry suggests he’s willing to try this and thinks it looks okay. Big Bob then immediately makes a hypocrite of himself by telling Henry he doesn’t want that burger and tells him he wants a tuna melt. He dumps the burger into the trash and remarks that’s the last time he leaves Little Bob in charge.
Turns out, this isn’t a happy Christmas memory.
In the present, it’s Christmas Eve and the family has been invited to Bob’s father’s annual Christmas party taking place at his restaurant, Big Bob’s Diner. Bob is reluctant to attend, but the family hasn’t been in seven years so he feels obligated to do so. The problem is he and his dad can only seem to co-exist for 15 minutes before things inevitably take a turn for the worse. As he explains this phenomena to Teddy (Larry Murphy), while the kids pray to Santa, we see a montage of times when 15 minutes elapsed and Big Bob said something condescending to his son. Linda (John Roberts) poo-poos him and is ever the optimist insisting that the magic of Christmas will bring them together, but Bob insists they only stay for 15 minutes and then get out of there.
In the present, Bob has upped his game and worked Christmas puns into his gimmick burgers.
As the family drives over, the kids Tina (Dan Mintz), Gene (Eugene Mirman), and Louise (Kristen Schaal) all find out via discussion that none of them have secured a Christmas present for their father. They’re obviously running out of time and need to think of something fast. Their hope is that their grandfather might be able to bail them out in some way.
Santa Pete is the first to welcome the Belchers to Big Bob’s holiday party.
As the family enters Big Bob’s Diner we’re introduced to Big Bob himself. He looks like an older, heavier, version of Bob and seems to be a rather low key kind of guy. He gives the kids their expected five dollars each, and Louise whispers in his ear they have an arts and crafts emergency brewing and Big Bob tells her they’re welcomed to nose around in the basement for stuff and the three head down there. Bob and his dad struggle to make small talk and it soon becomes apparent that Big Bob is understaffed, what with it being Christmas Eve and all. Linda thinks this is an excellent opportunity for the two Bobs to have a heart to heart and she insists that Bob help his dad out in the kitchen. Bob is extremely reluctant to do so, but he’s too good a person not to help his dad out or he just can’t say “No” to his wife.
Christmas seems to have a lot of baggage for the Bobs.
We’re then a shown a Christmas from 20 years ago. A bunch of patrons are in the diner and Big Bob is preparing to give his son his Christmas present. He has something under a sheet, and he calls for Little Bob to come into the dining room. As he does, he looks really on edge as his dad goes into a little speech. He tells him from now on the diner will be Bob & Son’s diner and he shows him a piece of the new sign, which is still unfinished. As he shows him menus and goes on and on Little Bob says “No” to the offer. Big Bob can hardly believe it, and Little Bob unloads about how he could never work for his dad and that he won’t ever let him change the menu. The restaurant patrons are all really uncomfortable, and Big Bob eventually tells him to get out. As Bob storms out, he tries to come up with a new gimmick burger to mark the occasion, but isn’t satisfied with any of the stuff he’s thinking of on the spot.
Bob awkwardly discussing the items in the kitchen with his pops.
As the Bobs settle in, Linda helps with waitressing though she clearly has no idea what the layout of the restaurant is and is forced to just call out orders to see who claims them. In the basement, the kids are rummaging through their grandfather’s stuff and trying to figure out a present for their dad. Tina seems to think she can turn her grandfather’s desk chair into something neat, while Gene decides to make drums out of some cans of beans. Louise proposes they have a competition to see who can make their dad the best present. It’s to be called the Missile-Tonies.
A bean bath – why not?
Upstairs, the clock is ticking as Bob struggles to make small talk with his dad stumbling into an awkward discussion about range hoods. Downstairs, Tina finishes her chair present which just has a bunch of stuff taped to it. She’s rather proud of herself and dishes on her siblings. Louise seems to be unnerved by Tina’s bragging as she constructs a pyramid out of mouse traps. Meanwhile, Gene has lost focus. He emptied the bean cans into a cardboard box initially to make his drum kit sound better, but now he’s decided he just wants to bathe in the beans. He strips down to his underwear and climbs in requesting some sliced ham for his eyes.
Things are not going well.
In the kitchen, the clock ticks 15, and Bob begins to panic and is trying to make his escape. Right on cue, his dad takes a look at the order slip Bob just finished and asks if it’s supposed to be grilled cheese, because it looks like his son prepared burnt toast. His passive aggressive approach would drive any son mad over time. As Bob tries to leave, Linda sticks her head into the window to see how things are going and Big Bob sarcastically responds they’re learning how to make grilled cheese forcing Little Bob to laugh awkwardly. Linda tells them Henry has ordered the usual, which sets Little Bob off. He declares he’s going to make Henry the burger his dad tossed out when he was 14. Big Bob declares he won’t allow any gimmick burgers in his restaurant, and then he critiques his son’s pantomime of driving a car.
And they’re only getting worse.
As the Bobs each prepare their meal for Henry, the kids hit a snag in the basement. Tina’s chair has too much stuff taped to it and falls over, knocking over Louise’s structure of mousetraps. Gene’s box breaks open and out come the beans (and according to Gene, a small amount of pee) all over the place. Out of options, Louise instructs Tina to find a gift fast and she settles on a snowglobe. Louise pulls some newspaper out of her grandpa’s desk to use as wrapping paper and this will have to do.
Linda tries to conjure up some Christmas magic through song, but it isn’t working.
Upstairs, Linda refuses to serve Henry either Bob invention. She instead implores the restaurant customers to sing, but no one is having it. Both Bobs decide to present their food personally as they elbow each other out of the kitchen and place their plates before Henry. The poor old man is obviously confused and conflicted. He doesn’t want to get dragged into this fight between father and son, nor does he want to upset either of them. He’s struggling to find a solution that will placate both, but it becomes obvious that won’t happen. Ultimately, he’s lured in by Little Bob’s creation and takes a bite. He loves it, and as Bob gloats before his dad. A sullen and defeated Big Bob removes his apron and plays the guilt card. He unenthusiastically thanks Bob and Linda for coming to his party as he quietly leaves the restaurant.
Poor Henry is caught in the middle and he can’t resist the call of Bob’s burger.
Bob isn’t quite ready to stop savoring his victory, but the patrons of the restaurant aren’t too happy with him. Bob realizes he needs to do something as his kids emerge from the basement and Gene is still covered in beans. Linda urges Bob to go after his father, who has ducked into the gay bar across the street. She insists she can handle the orders and the kids will help out, and Bob is forced to relent when the kids give him his present. The newspaper they chose as wrapping paper ended up being a review of Bob’s Burgers his dad kept downstairs. It was the first ever review for the young restaurant (it was a rather neutral review) and Bob is touched and surprised his dad had kept it. Pete, who owns the bar next door, then comes in his Santa suit with a cowboy hat. He instructs Bob to put it on and come with him.
When a Santa presents you a cowboy hat and commands you to come, you come.
Bob finds his dad alone at the bar in a cowboy hat. He sits down beside him and tries to apologize, but his dad isn’t particularly interested in conversation. He flees his son to the dance floor and Bob gets a lesson in boot-scooting from Pete and joins his father. He then starts to ask his dad what he’s doing here, and he explains he always comes here for line dancing. Before Bob can finish his next question, Big Bob assures his son he’s not gay, he just likes dancing and hanging out with his friends. Big Bob relentlessly points out how badly his son is dancing, and Bob uses that to segue into an explanation for why he blew up earlier. He’s sick of his dad always criticizing him. He apologizes though for blowing up at him, in the past and tonight. He shouldn’t have embarrassed his dad like that in front of his customers, and he sounds genuinely sorry. He thought his dad never supported him, until his kids found the review he had kept. Big Bob admits he’s a tough person to get along with, and the two more or less reconcile before heading back over to the diner.
A defeated Big Bob wants no part of a conversation with his son.
As they stand outside they watch Linda and the kids taking charge of the situation. Big Bob tells his son he has good kids; weird, happy, kids. He also tells his son that he’s a good father, and Bob seems genuinely touched. They then go to enter the restaurant, but Gene and Louise have locked the door and taunt the two. Tina, being the elder daughter, unlocks the door and lets them in. Linda is happy to see the two have reconciled declaring it Christmas magic and the other patrons are happy to see the two. Big Bob wishes everyone a merry Christmas and the episode ends with Linda’s “Christmas Magic” song she’s been going into and out of all episode.
Those Belcher kids and their schemes.
“Father of the Bob” is a simple, effective, Christmas episode. It doesn’t necessarily have a special message, but it tells a tale of how a son can feel unappreciated by his father and shows how that can come to a head. Bob was basically in the right to reject his father’s offer of partnership, and right to be angry with him over the gimmick burger, but blowing up and publicly embarrassing him was probably the wrong way to go about it. It’s certainly not the way to do things if you want to continue to have a positive relationship with your pops, but these things can happen when a father is tone deaf to his kid’s emotional needs.
Gene and his beans are possibly the most memorable part of this one.
Bill Hader is pretty great as Big Bob. He brings a gravelly, grumpy, grumble to the role and I almost didn’t recognize his voice. We see how Big Bob is towards Linda and the kids, which is somewhat warm, and that he’s capable of love. He’s just not great at showing it to his son. It helps keep the audience on Little Bob’s side without full-out hating Big Bob. Nick Offerman, Jordan Peele, and Carl Reiner are also great in their roles. Henry’s conflict over which entrée to eat is probably the best scene, while Peele’s Max has some great lines sprinkled throughout. And the kids tend to steal their scenes when involved. Their B plot is simple yet outlandish given the direction they take it with Gene’s bean bath being a funny, yet cringey, moment since someone is going to have to clean that up. The two plots are tied together neatly, and the climax between the Bobs feels authentic as opposed to manufactured.
Seeing Bob try to figure things out with his pops around the holidays proved compelling, which is something this show doesn’t often try to do.
“Father of the Bob” may be a touch sentimental and melancholy, but it’s quietly become one of my favorite Christmas specials. I think I still prefer the prior season’s Christmas special, “Christmas in the Car” (which I covered 2 years ago), a little better, but this one is right there. It helps that there’s plenty of Christmas imagery in the episode, so even if it never gets to the actual holiday it still feels like a true Christmas special.
A hopeful image accompanies the credits.
“Father of the Bob” will likely be shown on Adult Swim more than once this season along with most of the other Christmas specials from Bob’s Burgers. You can also stream the series on Hulu, or purchase the episode as part of season five on physical media or by itself digitally. In short, this is a rather easy one to catch and it’s definitely worth your time to do so this year.
The Nostalgia Spot 